The Day After

So, the birthday's over. Kinda relieved about that one. However, I can't stop thinking that next year, I'll be 29, then 30, and so on. I feel as if I'm hurtling towards a future alone and I can't do anything to stop it. I hate it. And I've had some people tell me that I have to "get out there" to meet people, but dammit, why can't my life be like a movie, and have a guy come to me?!

I'm so lonely. And I don't know if it's all coming to a head because in 20 days, Pablo will have been dead for two years, or what. It could be something else entirely that is causing these feelings to rush to the surface.

It might be cheesy, but I can really express myself through songs and music. Here're the lyrics to "My Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, from the Mulan soundtrack, and they are on point:

Look at me/You may think you see
Who I really am/But you’ll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask/I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in/But somehowI will show the world
What’s inside my heart/And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
There’s a heart that must be free to fly/That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal/What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?