7 years...

7 years ago, my life derailed. It literally blew up in Pablo's face. And not a day has gone by since where I don't miss him, that I don't feel that ache inside.

A few days ago, I was driving to Queens to pick up Baby Girl. She was visiting Pablo's sister for the weekend. As I drove, I listened to my iPod. Everything was cool until Patty Loveless's "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?" came on. I was hit with a wave of sadness and grief so strong that I nearly pulled over. As I choked down sobs, I wondered, "Whose life was that? Who's left a widow at 26, while pregnant? That only happens in the movies!" These thoughts weigh heavily on my mind nowadays as my new husband and I contemplate having babies.

I can't help but fear that the exact same thing is going to happen. And how selfish and stupid of me it is! As if my pain can compare to the fact that Pablo never got hold his baby in his arms, that he never saw how perfect she was. But in some ways, Pablo's pain was brief. He will never know the pain of loss. The pain of feeling a loved one torn away.

One of the most thoughtless things I heard in those early days was "You're young, you'll find someone new." As if it was merely a thing that had been damaged or lost. As if any one person can replace another. Now that I've remarried, it may be surprising to think that I still mourn the loss of not only my first husband, but a dear friend.

I still think of him every day. There are moments when I yearn for a glimpse of an alternate reality, a reality where he met his daughter and where he became the father I always knew he'd be. I usually banish those thoughts quickly because the pain is still sharp. There will always be a part of me that never heals, that always remains grief-stricken over the loss of someone so young, over the loss of our life together. Even as I amaze myself with the girl I once was, on that cold January day 7 years ago, to the person I've become today, I know a part of me will hurt forever.

This memorial post now becomes my yearly appeal to you all. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone. If there's anyone who you've been meaning to call or see, just do it today. For me. For Pablo.

We miss you always, Pablo.

In Memory of Angel DeJesus

On July 19, 2009, our dear grandfather, Angel DeJesus, passed away from complications related to Alzheimer's. For close to a decade, he suffered from the ravages of the disease. I will never forget the day in 2004 when we "lost" him. He was at our uncle's house and just wandered out. After searching our town for a couple hours, we finally found him at a local grocery store. We were terrified during those few hours, with thoughts that he could easily wander into traffic and get seriously hurt.

It was around that time that the family realized that we could no longer care for our grandfather, and that he would have to receive care from an Alzheimer's facility. He would spend the rest of his days well cared for in a facility specializing in the care of Alzheimer's patients. For us, the worst part of the disease was seeing our once proud patriarch become a senile patient who could do very little for himself. (Grandpa used to dye his hair black. Once his mind was truly taken captive by the disease, he no longer dyed it. It was jarring to see him with a white head of hair.)

Almost 50% of people who reach 85 have Alzheimer's disease. Like many diseases, it not only affects the patient but touches all of his family and friends. On May 1st, my sister, Jessica DeJesus will be participating in the Bike to End Alzheimer's. Please help us (every little bit helps!) raise funds to further research this disease. Thank you for your time.

Donate here: http://2011biketoendalz.kintera.org/jessica

6 years. That's how long it's been. 6 years since The Accident, The Day That Changed My Life. Yes, it requires caps.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about That Day. However, in the past 6 years, it's gotten easier to push it out of my head and focus on the man I lost. Why dwell on the terrible way his life ended when I can celebrate how he lived? Lately, Baby Girl has been asking more and more about her father. She's also displaying lots of his idiosyncrasies. It takes my breath away how like him she is sometimes. The worst is when she asks when he's coming back. I gently explain to her that he isn't and she carries on with her day. I wish more than anything that she had her father.

However, it's something I have to live with. Talking to her about him will always be emotional. I live every day knowing how easily, how quickly we can lose it all. It's a small price to pay for having had him in my life.

I miss you, Pablo. You were my best friend.

5 days into 2011 and things seem to be going swimmingly. Or so it would seem. With a 6th anniversary rapidly approaching, I've found myself in tears every so often. I'm grateful it usually happens when I'm alone in the car, as I like to keep my grief to myself.

For some reason, every January I replay the weeks leading up to the Accident. I remember the birthday cake for my birthday on Jan. 1st. I remember flying home from DR on Jan. 2nd. I remember the phone call from him on Jan. 4th, calling to wish me a happy birthday. I remember going to the airport to pick him up on Jan. 8th. This will happen all month long until Jan. 25th.

People may think it's been long enough and life has gone back to normal. There will never be a normal after that. In the first few bleak days, I survived. In the following couple of years, I merely existed. I breathed, ate, slept, etc., just because I had to. I'm absolutely happy now. But there will always be part of me that grieves the man I lost that day, over the dreams I had, over the little girl who will never meet her dad (and the man who will never meet his daughter).

I'm glad the good days far outnumber the bad. I've grown to accept the bad as proof of how much he meant to me, how much he meant to all of us.

And how quickly things can change. 12 hours after my last post, my fiance called me to tell me that Sellers weren't exactly out of their last contract.

I don't understand their motivations - why court another potential Buyer when you're under contract? Why try to entangle us in potential litigation for interfering with their contract when they've got someone lined up? I don't get it.

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

We have recently been in the process of looking for a house and it has certainly been an adventure. We had originally decided on a nearby city, and were quickly discouraged when we saw that prices were still pretty high in that area. In order to get the house we wanted, we expanded our search.

Two months in, we found 2 amazing houses. They were so amazing, it took us a week to decide which house to pick. We finally made a choice and were ecstatic with it. And then the issues started mounting. No house is perfect, so we compromised with this house - it was on a busier road than we would've liked, it had a pool - something that worried us (maintenance and children), and would need a new roof and furnace, and didn't have a finished basement. Like I said, you make compromises when purchasing a home, unless you're paying enough to get everything you want. However, the final straw came when our mortgage officer told us we'd need flood insurance. It was the first we'd heard about that, and quickly looked to FEMA maps. Nothing. Elevation reports - nothing. The house was definitely in a flood zone, and we definitely wouldn't compromise on that.

I was sorely disappointed - it truly was a beautiful home - but we couldn't bend. As soon as we heard about the flood zone issue, we started looking at other homes. We immediately found a gorgeous home, but since we were tied up with the first contract, we couldn't negotiate with the seller. By the time we got out of the contract, the 2nd house had been snapped up. I was crushed. It was starting to seem like we'd never find anything (I might be a bit dramatic at times), but there was nothing else to do. I started looking at other houses, listing the ones I liked but there were so few that caught my eye now that we'd gotten used to the likes of the first couple of houses we were considering.

That was until yesterday. I got a call from my fiancé, and he was telling me, "The deal fell through, the deal fell through." I had no idea what he was talking about, but he finally told me that the buyers for the gorgeous house we'd seen had walked away from the contract! We knew we had to act fast and now we've put in an offer. Nothing's final till the sellers have signed, but we're so close I can taste it!

Little blog, I've got great news. I'm engaged!! I'm so happy.

The boyfriend proposed while we were on vacation in the Philippines. It was the sweetest thing - he took me to bluff overlooking the ocean just outside our villa, after dinner, and simply asked "Will you marry me?" Of course I said yes.

I have been incredibly lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend. I've known him since college back in the late 90s. We went to law school together, and we've been close friends ever since. I thank my lucky stars for this wonderful, sweet, funny man.