One of the most frustrating things in dealing with all this has been the idea that I did everything right, and for what? My life seems to be a series of jokes, and I just want to breathe for a minute. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I just want a simple life. God, can't you help someone out?

4 years ago, my world was rocked.

I was on the cusp of the rest of my life: recently graduated from law school, happy in my clerkship, pregnant with our first child, and happy with Him. In a little over two months, we were going to be parents! We were happily chugging along in our life together.

Then, a little after noon on 1/25/05, I got the phone call that changed my life, and me, forever. There'd been an accident. That's all I was told. My sister rushed to pick me up. I knew He was dead when I saw the looks my uncles gave me when I got home. My dad sat me down and confirmed what I already knew. I still, to this day, can't imagine what it feels like to look your little girl in the eye and say the words that you know will break her heart.

It's funny - I remember the stupidest details from that day. I was chatting about Beyonce on the Fametracker forums when my sister called me. I was wearing a blue fair isle sweater (that I never wore again). I didn't eat again for two days, when I was finally forced to by my mother. I remember so clearly getting to the hospital, having the officer tell me "He didn't make it" (I naively held out hope, hoping, wishing, praying that they'd gotten it wrong, that He was ok).

Instead, I was widowed. At 26. And 7 months pregnant. We didn't even know what we were having, since we wanted to keep it a surprise.

However, life goes on, and I am amazed at how far I've come. I never thought I'd be happy again, and I am. It's a new chapter - hell, sometimes I think it's a whole new book. And I never thought this little girl, this amazing, wonderful little girl would ever captivate me this way. I am so lucky to be her mom.

Pablo, this one's for you.

And so it comes. Last week, I turned 30. I was all kinds of nervous, because I read so much about other widows/ers going through weirdness when they turned their deceased spouses' age when DS died. Pablo was 30 when he died, about to turn 31. But I'm hoping that things will be all good.

Finally I went through a set of holidays that were actually enjoyable. I'm happy that I'm able to enjoy this time of year again, and only a little guilty at not missing him as much. Stupid guilt.

Another thing I've been feeling the guilt about is how happy I am in my Chapter 2 relationship. Things are going swimmingly, other than a few normal relationship kinks. For example, we've been together almost 2 years, and I'd love to take a trip with him, but we haven't been able to match schedules yet. Sigh. We've got to get on a plane sometime in 2009. I'll make it happen.

I'm def. not looking forward to later this month. Jan. 25th will be the 4 year anniversary of his death. I can't believe it's been 4 years! I can still relive almost every single day after my birthday till that horrible day. Where does the time go?

I can tell it's been awhile that I hadn't written since I had so much to spill. A few weeks ago, we were driving behind the cemetery where Pablo is buried, and Baby Girl giddily says: "Papi Pablo's there, papi Pablo's there!" That hurt my heart, to know that my girl only knows her dad as "someone who's buried somewhere".

Wow, it's been 7 years since 9/11. Time really does fly. I'm not going to reminisce, because everyone has their stories about where they were when they first heard. I'm just thinking of all the people who lost loved ones in that tragedy. In a way, it must suck to have their grief dredged up every year for all to see. I'm very private in my grief, so I think it'd be a little tiring to have America's eyes on you on such a hard day.

In another way, it seems like it'd facilitate the marking of the anniversary. Everyone is grieving in one or another, so no one thinks you're weird or crazy for still grieving. I've found that some people expect you to be "all better now!" when some time has gone by. Huh, as if.

I didn't realize that another death - especially to someone who I didn't know very well - could shake me up as much as it has. When I woke up on Friday morning, I was greeted with the news that a friend of my sister's had been killed. He was a police officer in our town, and he had been on duty, driving a prisoner to the jail, when his car was hit on the driver's side. He was only 31, had been married a few years, and was expecting his first baby. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was just too damn similar to my own story. I immediately went on the internet, hoping against hope that our neighbor had gotten the story wrong. I was just crushed when I saw him name there, when the report confirmed his death. I just thought back to my own Worst Day Ever, 1/25/05. I know that 8/22/08 will have the same significance to his widow. This is something I would never wish on anyone, a club we wish no one would ever join. Unfortunately, life always has something in store for us.

It's now been over 3 years since That Day. I can tell I have gotten better. It's taken a lot of work, and of course, it's something that will be with me always. But I did notice that while I wasn't paying attention, I have begun to be happy again. But then things like this happen to just push me right back to where I started, even if I know how to crawl out of the hole now.

Today, Baby Girl broke my heart. I took her to the park, to play on the swings and in the fountain they have. She was having a great time, and watching her run around and play made me wish her dad was there to watch her also.

While I was pushing her on the swings, I saw an old friend. I said hi, and asked Baby Girl to turn around and say hi, since that friend knew Pablo, and would like to see his daughter. BG asked who it was, and I told her that was a friend of her dad's. She replied: "That's my dad?!" It was like a knife twisting. Her voice just sounded so hopeful. Sigh.

Lately, time's just been zipping by. I guess I should update where I am right now.

Baby Girl starts pre-school next month! It's very exciting. I can't believe she's already at the age where she can go to school. I've been busy shopping for some school clothes for her, and searching for the perfect book bag. It's funny, I think her book bag and lunch box will be more of statement about me, than about her.

The case that stemmed from the Accident is close to its conclusion. Part of me is relieved to have this over with, and anxious to move on with my life. The other part of me feels guilty that I am receiving a "windfall" from His death. I knew that was to be expected but am still surprised to be going through it.

Finally, I had heard about people who, after being so catastrophically hurt emotionally, become evasive towards the new partner or even sabotage it subconsciously. I always thought that was ridiculous, and vowed I'd never do it. Joke's on me, because it seems that I'm doing exactly that. I will not go into specifics, but I find myself doing the same things over and over again, knowing that it will upset my loving boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I taking advantage of this wonderful man? I'm scared that one day I will lose him, after pushing him over the brink.