Thursday, September 11, 2008

Wow, it's been 7 years since 9/11. Time really does fly. I'm not going to reminisce, because everyone has their stories about where they were when they first heard. I'm just thinking of all the people who lost loved ones in that tragedy. In a way, it must suck to have their grief dredged up every year for all to see. I'm very private in my grief, so I think it'd be a little tiring to have America's eyes on you on such a hard day.

In another way, it seems like it'd facilitate the marking of the anniversary. Everyone is grieving in one or another, so no one thinks you're weird or crazy for still grieving. I've found that some people expect you to be "all better now!" when some time has gone by. Huh, as if.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I didn't realize that another death - especially to someone who I didn't know very well - could shake me up as much as it has. When I woke up on Friday morning, I was greeted with the news that a friend of my sister's had been killed. He was a police officer in our town, and he had been on duty, driving a prisoner to the jail, when his car was hit on the driver's side. He was only 31, had been married a few years, and was expecting his first baby. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was just too damn similar to my own story. I immediately went on the internet, hoping against hope that our neighbor had gotten the story wrong. I was just crushed when I saw him name there, when the report confirmed his death. I just thought back to my own Worst Day Ever, 1/25/05. I know that 8/22/08 will have the same significance to his widow. This is something I would never wish on anyone, a club we wish no one would ever join. Unfortunately, life always has something in store for us.

It's now been over 3 years since That Day. I can tell I have gotten better. It's taken a lot of work, and of course, it's something that will be with me always. But I did notice that while I wasn't paying attention, I have begun to be happy again. But then things like this happen to just push me right back to where I started, even if I know how to crawl out of the hole now.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Today, Baby Girl broke my heart. I took her to the park, to play on the swings and in the fountain they have. She was having a great time, and watching her run around and play made me wish her dad was there to watch her also.

While I was pushing her on the swings, I saw an old friend. I said hi, and asked Baby Girl to turn around and say hi, since that friend knew Pablo, and would like to see his daughter. BG asked who it was, and I told her that was a friend of her dad's. She replied: "That's my dad?!" It was like a knife twisting. Her voice just sounded so hopeful. Sigh.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Lately, time's just been zipping by. I guess I should update where I am right now.

Baby Girl starts pre-school next month! It's very exciting. I can't believe she's already at the age where she can go to school. I've been busy shopping for some school clothes for her, and searching for the perfect book bag. It's funny, I think her book bag and lunch box will be more of statement about me, than about her.

The case that stemmed from the Accident is close to its conclusion. Part of me is relieved to have this over with, and anxious to move on with my life. The other part of me feels guilty that I am receiving a "windfall" from His death. I knew that was to be expected but am still surprised to be going through it.

Finally, I had heard about people who, after being so catastrophically hurt emotionally, become evasive towards the new partner or even sabotage it subconsciously. I always thought that was ridiculous, and vowed I'd never do it. Joke's on me, because it seems that I'm doing exactly that. I will not go into specifics, but I find myself doing the same things over and over again, knowing that it will upset my loving boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I taking advantage of this wonderful man? I'm scared that one day I will lose him, after pushing him over the brink.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Wow. I hadn't noticed just how long it's been since the last time I posted. I guess I should update...

I now have a boyfriend. Well, not now. He's been around for awhile. And he makes me very happy. Unfortunately, it's led me to an emotion I didn't think I'd experience - guilt. I sometimes feel guilty for being happy, and I know it's irrational, but it's still there. I hate experiencing these things, but the only thing I can do is manage them. You can't really quell them.

The other day, I had the most extraordinary thing happen to me. I was riding the train to work, and I was staring out the window. The glare of the sun was hurting my eyes, and I thought to myself "Goddamn this sun." I then turned my head and standing almost right behind me was a blind man. I immediately felt horrible. Here I was, with the wonderful gift of sight, damning something that this man probably wished he could see. That made me realize that even though some things seem horrible, I'm infinitely luckier than a lot of people out there.