Thursday, August 31, 2006

My First Post:

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, and I have no idea what made me finally get off my ass and create the blog. But this is as good a time as any to start documenting my journey through this incredibly hard, amazingly difficult time in my life. First, about the name of the blog: Let me make it clear that although I am a widow, I am not merry about it at all. However, I am trying to take a happier outlook on life, as I want to "get better, not get bitter". The song that best describes me right now is Gary Allen's "I Just Got Back From Hell," especially the line where he sings: "I can't say that I'm doing great, but I think I'm doing well; That Devil's gonna have to wait, cause I just got back from hell."

My name is Wanda, and I lost my husband, Pablo, 19 months ago. He passed away on Jan. 25, 2005, and much like AA members, people who have lost their loved ones count in months how long it's been. I guess we do use a AA-like approach to dealing with our grief and the aftermath of our loved ones' deaths. "One day at a time." "Believe that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to our sanity.", etc. Actually, this'll make a perfect way to start the blog. For the next twelve days, I'll tackle each of the twelve steps and how they relate to our grief journey.

Anyway, back to a little bit more about me. I'm 27, and I'm a "lawyer". I put it in quotes, because I still haven't passed the Bar Exam. Yet. I also have a daughter, an adorable little girl of 17 months. I know it sounds cliche, but she's my shining light in the darkness. I just wish he had gotten to see her before he died. Or at the very least I would've liked for him to know we were having a girl. We had decided to keep the baby's secret, and I regret it greatly now. However, I feel he knows his daughter, and looks after her.

On with the blog: One Day at a Time. Hell, sometimes it's even one hour, one minute at a time. It's the only way to get through the darkest days. In the space of 24 hours, my future went from secure and happy to hearbreaking and uncertain. My heart will mend (somewhat) but I now have to forge my own path. I receive tons of help from all my family, and from his family, but it's still my life, and eventually, I would like to find a great man to share the rest of my life with. How do I even go about doing that?! I had been with my husband since I was 17, and now I have to date? Sigh. However, when those thoughts (and other similar thoughts) overtake me, I sit back, take a deep breath, and count my blessings. I have a great, healthy child, a wonderful family, a job (which might not be so fulfilling right now, but it keeps me in Coach purses, Nintendo DS videogames, and Mets tickes), and all our wonderful memories.