Sunday, January 25, 2015




10 years ago, my husband was killed at his job. 

According to government investigations, machinery failed, gas leaked, and there was an explosion. Outside of some small forensic curiosity, I never much cared for the details. My husband, my best friend, my daughter's father was gone. Who cares HOW it happened?

There are no words to properly describe the hole in my life in those days following his death. How do you explain the feeling of having someone snatched away, so immediately, so permanently? To this day, I feel breathless at the enormity of it. How do you move on from 8+ years of constant contact, conversations, and intimacy to a complete and utter feeling of desolate aloneness?

I've written frequently about Pablo and loss and how we should value what we have in the now. So I just have one thing to say now: I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. And when I think that I'll never see him again, it hurts all over again. You think the more time goes on, the easier it gets. And in a way it does. But in a way, it get even harder. Because time doesn't heal all wounds. It just makes sure you grow accustomed to it.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart reaches out to u. I am a new widow at 26 and my husband was snatched away from me. Ur words give me courage

Anonymous said...

Am I a new widow?To the rest of the world I am not. It's the second year anniversary in two weeks, I am 32 .they keep telling me that I have to move on because I am too young to go on grieving ...

Ilze said...

It is almost a year now. I was 26 when my husband passed away, just three weeks before our little girl was born. It is comforting to read that although this big, heavy hole in my heart will never go away, there are people that survived this pain.

Farm Girl Photography said...

I just lost my fiancé in November from an accident at work. We were planning to get married this October 15. I am 26 years old and he was 27 when he passed away. I am really struggling with losing him. I know it's still a fresh wound but I just want the pain to go away... I have really enjoyed your blog. God Bless.

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Anonymous said...

HI, Im a 58 year old widower with one years experience. I offer prayers and best wishes to
all of you hurting out there. I am still blown away, and the year of fighting C was as rugged
and brutal as being in a war. This AM I decided to quit trying to numb myself with alcohol,
and exercise more. Hang in there! I say this to myself and to you. What else can we do?

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