Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Blech. I hate when I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head and I just can't seem to draw them out. That frustrates me so much!

A few days ago, the whole family got together for pre-Memorial Day bbq. I love and loathe these get-togethers. I love that we're all together, hanging out, watching the kids have a good time. I love dressing Baby Girl up and showing off her latest outfit, letting the kids play on her newest toys, and just basking in that glow of parenthood.

However, I loathe the feelings that these get-togethers stir within me. Pablo and I went to so many of these things, that it's difficult not to imagine him strolling through the back yard, with jokes for the adults and hugs for the kids. It's also hard to see everyone carry on about their lives and know that I have to start my life over from scratch. If you'd asked me 5 years ago where I'd be five years from now, I definitely would've answered that I would've seen myself happily married, living in a starter home, with a baby on my hip. In baseball 1-3 is good. In life, not so much.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" has easily become my motto. Yes, I watch too much Disney. But sometimes, you need a little bit of that magic in your life.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I would like just one break, one stinking little break, God, to indicate that my life is somewhat close to getting back on track.

Fuck normal, I don't need normal. I'm so far gone from normal that I don't remember what it was like. I just want to know that my life is headed in the right direction, that I am doing something with myself other than merely existing.


That's what born out of the many moments of frustration I have. They come and go, and the best I can do is ride the wave and hope not to get pulled below. There were things I expected to have, stations I expected to be at this point in my life. I just feel as if I'm stuck, as if someone has paused my life. When do I get to live? When do I get to dream for the starter home, the significant other, the shared joy of parenting? I know these things will come at their own time, but dammit, I just want to know when.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I was driving around earlier today, when Leanne Womack's "I Hope You Dance" came on the radio. That is one of those songs guaranteed to make me cry, and it also makes me thing. As I was listening, I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss - almost as if I was drowning in it. It's so frustrating to know that the one thing I want the most is the one thing I'll never have again.

I just wonder if this constant shadow on my life will ever be lifted. I do have my moments of happiness - Baby Girl provides me with more joy than I ever imagined. And there are other facets of my life that bring me some peace and calm.

Sometimes I just wish life provided us with something like weather.com, where I could go check when the break in the clouds finally comes. It's so much easier to weather the storm when you know that it'll be sunny and 80 degrees in a few days.