Friday, June 22, 2007

I hate the moments when I feel lost, when my life feels so meaningless. Wait, not meaningless, but directionless. I just feel as if I'm going through the motions and for what? My life seems to lack inertia, and I know it's got to come from somewhere inside me. I need to want to go out there, and find a job, to provide for Baby Girl.

It's just... What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm 28 and I still have no idea what I want to do. Is that how I'm going to live the rest of my life? I'm sure it's not, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes.

Do you know what it's like to send out resume after resume and not have one phone call? It sucks. Hard. And what can I do about it, but send out more?

I'm not saying all these employment woes would be gone if Pablo were still here. But he'd sure as hell make it a lot easier to deal with. He was my rock, and I miss his emotional support.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

The oddest thing happened the other day. I usually ask Baby Girl "Where is papi?" to make sure she recognizes her father in photographs, and when I do, she usually just points to whichever picture is closest and responds "there he is." However, the other day, she answered differently. When I asked her, she replied that he was "in the rainbow". I don't know where she came up with it. But it brought tears to my eyes to hear her say that. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it's because I'd like to imagine he's somewhere up there, watching down on us from his perch on a rainbow. Or maybe it's because I want to think that Baby Girl's imagination is now developing to the point where she can "explain away" where her "Papi" is.

I went to the movies last night to see "Knocked Up." I really needed to just laugh for a few hours. Why in the world did I end up crying during most of the second half? Actually, the weird thing is why I'm so surprised that I cried during a movie about pregnancy, knowing that seeing the stuff play out would affect me. I really could've used him around for the last two months.

Whenever I see Baby Girl, I just wish desperately that he had seen her. Once at least. That he could see the wonderful little child we created together. That he could enjoy her like I do.