Friday, January 25, 2013

That Same Old Feeling

I have wrestled and thought over this a lot for the past 6 weeks. Once the end of November rolls around, I spend weeks agonizing over the last few days Pablo spent with me. I thought it would stop as the years passed by, but it has not. 8 years ago today, Pablo went off to work and never came back.

In many ways, I marvel at the ways I've been able to recover and how I'm mostly the same person I was before. However, there is no denying that I have been profoundly changed from the me I was on Jan. 24, 2005. What a dumb, naive girl I was, thinking that nothing would ever damage the little world I'd built for myself. Death was something that happened to other people. Until it happened to me. Then it became my entire world.

Since then, I've lost my two grandmothers and my grandfather. But seeing someone die after a long illness (Papa Angel), or at the end of a long-ish life (all grandparents were in their 80s) is something completely different than seeing someone in his 30s plucked out of your life. There are moments when I wish for nothing more than to be able to talk to him, about his own death even. Read that again and see how absurd that sounds. I wish for that and the obvious thing - for him to be able to see the amazing little girl he gave me.

There's nothing left for me to do at the point but wallow in the memories for a few minutes and move on with my day. The final stage of grief is recognized as acceptance but I will gladly refute that with a Fuck No, I will never be okay with the fact that he's gone. But I guess I don't have to be, do I? Whether I accept it or not, he's not here, and Sam doesn't have her dad. Life sucks that way.

Reminder - go tell someone that they make your life suck just a little less. It's what makes hurtling through space on this rock worth it.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I am also a young widow, only about a year out. I am very worried that if I ever get remarried I will always be comparing my new husband to my old one, or that my new husband will feel jilted. Can you please give me some insight into your feelings? Or your new husband's feelings. Do you ever wonder who you will be with after you die?

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

There will definitely be moments when you can't help but compare the two, but those moments are rare. My second husband definitely struggles with being supportive and feelings that he's supplanted someone else's place. But he's come to the conclusion that those are his feelings to work through.

As to the after-life, I definitely ponder that. It weighs on my mind. Chances are, I'm going to spend more time with my second husband than with my first (I was with him for 8.5 years; I've been with my second husband for nearly 6 years), but I'm still torn.

Julianna said...

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.
I have gathered that you are Christian, as am I . But have you ever considered seeing a medium etc.? Do try and get in contact with your late husband? Do you feel like you will ever be truly happy and satisfied? I have that gnawing feeling in my stomach every morning and evening, and it has been almost a year.

Thank you again.

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Anonymous said...

As you have probably spent countless nights online searching and reading distracting your mind I to am doing that tonight.

Your last post was January 25 2013. I lost my everything that day. We were together just over 8 years and I was due with our first child. He too left for work that day and never came home.
I am so sorry for your loss.

I feel so alone so often and so angry. I've tried to start support groups for young widowed mothers and tried to find some online. The widows I've met are very wonderful but are not open enough to share in a group setting. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to hear others talk and relate without it being just me talking. Any advice?

I am finding so days impossible, no matter how busy I keep myself I can stop my mind from missing my Jim.

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