Well, the two year anniversary of Pablo's death has come and gone. Seriously, I didn't feel any differently on Jan. 25, than I did on Jan. 24. I still missed him incredibly, but the day wasn't any sadder.

I think the anticipation of the day itself is harder. Every day is hard in and of itself.

But I already knew that. You don't manage to survive two years of this without picking something up along the way.

I like this poem by e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

I wasn't kidding when I said I get inspiration from the weirdest places. I was just on youtube.com, watching a clip from one of my favorite Scrubs episodes - "My Screwup". The part at the end, when they're all at Cox's brother-in-law's funeral, always tears me up. And then J.D. monologues: "In the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."

And that is so true. My parents have made this grief journey infinitely easier. I don't know how I would've handled Baby Girl all on my own. And it hasn't been just them. Pablo's family, also, has been there for me, and their support has exceeded all my expectations. While I remain slightly disappointed in my friends, I usually give them a pass, because I don't know what I would've done if one of them had to go through this. I like to think I'd be awesome and supportive, but who knows?

Today is the Dia de La Altagracia (Our Lady of the Altagracia - she's the patron Virgin Mary for the Dominican Republic). Baby Girl was dressed up in a folkloric outfit in the colors of the Dominican flag - a white sweater, and a red, white and blue skirt, with a red bandana around her head. She also insisted on dancing with a group of children who were about 8 years old. She was so frackin adorable! She actually kept up pretty well with them, considering she'd never practiced, and isn't even two yet. Yet, while she was up there, and everyone was cheering her and the other children on, I couldn't help tearing up. I was so proud of her, of how she was dancing and how everyone was enthralled with her, but also so sad that Pablo wasn't there to see her and to share that experience with me. I wish he were here.

I was recently reading that the Mayans believe that the world will end in 2012. In five years. And I was a little surprised to realize that I felt sadness if that were to be true. I want Samantha to be able to grow old, and have babies, and fall in love...

And I realized that, more than that, I want to have those things as well! I want to grow old, and fall in love again, and perhaps have another baby. And I still don't know how I feel about that. I feel happy. In a very tentative way. Like, if I allow myself to feel the recent happiness too much, I might strangle it in some way. So for now, I tenderly stroke it, hoping that if I nourish it enough, it'll grow. Because that's the way it works, right?

Seriously, I get inspiration from the weirdest places. I was doing my workouts last week, and my trainer said: "If it seems sometimes things are too much to handle look to God. Also, your mind and your will are all you have. Use it. Remember: where you are today, is where YOU put you. Where you'll be tomorrow, is where YOU will put you." It's all I have to remember.

I know sometimes I ramble a bit during these posts, but fuck it - outlining for briefs, not for this silly little blog...

Part of my Plan for 2007 is to improve myself. Make a New and Improved Merry Widow, so to speak. (On my myspace page, my name is now Fancy, New Wanda. I really want to fix myself.)

Fixing myself includes fixing my outside. So for 2007, the junk is out! (not totally, because I'm not insane. But definitely curb it!) Especially since I (ta da) started working out!

So wish me luck on this fitness journey... I'll definitely need it!

Other than that, just trying to keep sane as the 2 year anniversary of Pablo's death looms. In 8 days, it'll be over, in 8 days, it'll be over, in 8 days, it'll be over...

When do I get someone again to love me unconditionally? Am I selfish in wanting that again? After all, there are people who go their whole lives without it, and here I am wanting a second love like that!

I am so tired of the loneliness, of the excuses, of the promises broken, of the shards of affection.

Nothing seemed difficult when He had his arms around me, when He would gaze into my soul, when He loved me...

The Day After

So, the birthday's over. Kinda relieved about that one. However, I can't stop thinking that next year, I'll be 29, then 30, and so on. I feel as if I'm hurtling towards a future alone and I can't do anything to stop it. I hate it. And I've had some people tell me that I have to "get out there" to meet people, but dammit, why can't my life be like a movie, and have a guy come to me?!

I'm so lonely. And I don't know if it's all coming to a head because in 20 days, Pablo will have been dead for two years, or what. It could be something else entirely that is causing these feelings to rush to the surface.

It might be cheesy, but I can really express myself through songs and music. Here're the lyrics to "My Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, from the Mulan soundtrack, and they are on point:

Look at me/You may think you see
Who I really am/But you’ll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask/I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in/But somehowI will show the world
What’s inside my heart/And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
There’s a heart that must be free to fly/That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal/What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?

Birthdays - blech!

Tomorrow, I turn 28. 28 long years I've been on this planet. Actually, they haven't been long at all. It's just the last two that seem as if they've lasted a decade each. Life went by much quicker when I was happier.

I don't really have much to write, because the thought of being alone again on my birthday is just bringing me down. I do so well on the everyday stuff, but anytime that requires you spend with someone special - I just lose it.

I have no choice but to chin up, and drink a lot on my birthday.

January 2nd

Alright, so some of the bitterness has flowed away, and I am actually getting excited about this new year!

2007 will be the year where I:
- finally pass the Fucking Bar Exam
- go back to looking like my 18 year old self (or as close as possible!)
- possibly, but probably not, go to my 10-year high school reunion
- maybe, but again maybe not, move out
- get a boyfriend
- maybe fall in love, and have someone fall in love with me (is that too much to ask for)
- be the best mom I possibly can be (although I did that in 2005 and in 2006)
- write a book
- finally stand up to my parents, and not let myself be guilted or brow-beaten
- finally accept

I look foward to Chapter 2.

Happy Meh Year

A new year is upon us. Big deal. (This post will be a little scattered; bear with me.)

Last night, as midnight approached, just one thought ran through my head: " I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry." Moments like midnight, when everyone is kissing, and hugging, are when I miss him most. I miss him all day long, everyday, like a dull ache in my chest, but those moments feel like a hot poker pressed on me. It sucks, it fucking sucks, and there isn't no other way around it. Sigh. 364 days to find a date for next New Year's.

Last week, I was in Houston, for a college football Bowl game featuring my alma mater, Rutgers University. I had a great time in Houston, hanging out with friends, getting to eat the local cuisine, and cheering my team to victory. The three days were over way too fast, but you know what they say about time flying when you're having fun, and all that jazz. Now, I have a trip to New Orleans to look forward to in April.

I was just watching "Prince of Egypt" (yes, I will watch any lame ass movie that comes on my tv), and a line in it spoke to me: "they can take everything away from us, except faith." I may have "lost everything", but I'll be damned if I lose my faith: faith in that life will get better (even if the changes are too small to see), faith that I will love again, faith that someone will love me again, faith that I am not destined to die old and alone, with my 6 (hypothetical - I don't have them yet) cats.

Faith. It's all I have right now. But maybe it's all I need.