And so it comes. Last week, I turned 30. I was all kinds of nervous, because I read so much about other widows/ers going through weirdness when they turned their deceased spouses' age when DS died. Pablo was 30 when he died, about to turn 31. But I'm hoping that things will be all good.

Finally I went through a set of holidays that were actually enjoyable. I'm happy that I'm able to enjoy this time of year again, and only a little guilty at not missing him as much. Stupid guilt.

Another thing I've been feeling the guilt about is how happy I am in my Chapter 2 relationship. Things are going swimmingly, other than a few normal relationship kinks. For example, we've been together almost 2 years, and I'd love to take a trip with him, but we haven't been able to match schedules yet. Sigh. We've got to get on a plane sometime in 2009. I'll make it happen.

I'm def. not looking forward to later this month. Jan. 25th will be the 4 year anniversary of his death. I can't believe it's been 4 years! I can still relive almost every single day after my birthday till that horrible day. Where does the time go?

I can tell it's been awhile that I hadn't written since I had so much to spill. A few weeks ago, we were driving behind the cemetery where Pablo is buried, and Baby Girl giddily says: "Papi Pablo's there, papi Pablo's there!" That hurt my heart, to know that my girl only knows her dad as "someone who's buried somewhere".