Sunday, January 25, 2009

4 years ago, my world was rocked.

I was on the cusp of the rest of my life: recently graduated from law school, happy in my clerkship, pregnant with our first child, and happy with Him. In a little over two months, we were going to be parents! We were happily chugging along in our life together.

Then, a little after noon on 1/25/05, I got the phone call that changed my life, and me, forever. There'd been an accident. That's all I was told. My sister rushed to pick me up. I knew He was dead when I saw the looks my uncles gave me when I got home. My dad sat me down and confirmed what I already knew. I still, to this day, can't imagine what it feels like to look your little girl in the eye and say the words that you know will break her heart.

It's funny - I remember the stupidest details from that day. I was chatting about Beyonce on the Fametracker forums when my sister called me. I was wearing a blue fair isle sweater (that I never wore again). I didn't eat again for two days, when I was finally forced to by my mother. I remember so clearly getting to the hospital, having the officer tell me "He didn't make it" (I naively held out hope, hoping, wishing, praying that they'd gotten it wrong, that He was ok).

Instead, I was widowed. At 26. And 7 months pregnant. We didn't even know what we were having, since we wanted to keep it a surprise.

However, life goes on, and I am amazed at how far I've come. I never thought I'd be happy again, and I am. It's a new chapter - hell, sometimes I think it's a whole new book. And I never thought this little girl, this amazing, wonderful little girl would ever captivate me this way. I am so lucky to be her mom.

Pablo, this one's for you.

14 comments:

Anthony said...

Damn near brought a tear to my eye. I hate to even think about such things and it terrifies me to know that it really does happen. It is good that you have been able to move on, though. I am a close bystander to a similar situation. It has been a year since I lost someone close to me and now for the first time in the last year I am thinking about 4 years down the road. I haven't looked down the road more than a day or two in the past year, so it is nice to hear the story of someone who was in a much more critical situation could persevere.

God bless.

southeastcountrywife said...

i'm 'glad' to discover your blog. i lost my husband 10 months ago in a tragic accident. i'm nearly 29 and he was only 31. it always helps to read the journeys of others who are a little further down the road but particularly when they're of similar age. thank you for writing!

tjsanford said...

Wow! I'm so glad I found your blog. My husband passed away 3 years ago. I was 5 months pregnant. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Angus said...

Hi Wanda, I sent you an email, but have yet to recieve a reply- I'm really eager to talk to you regarding your experiences, if you are willing to talk to me. Please contact me at jillmo98@hotmail.com
or at 954-306-6055

Thank you.

Jill

DeLene Sholes said...

My husband died almost a year after you lost yours. I'm not a young widow--we'd been married 52 years, but his death came as a shock. I guess I thought he'd live forever. He was in and out of hospitals for six weeks before he died, and we held hands the whole time. I can still feel the warmth of his hand in mine when I think about it. I believe if there were a way to measure, the difference in temperature would register. We had it all; three wonderful children, three grandchildren, a beautiful home, and we travelled. It wasn't a perfect marriage; there were some tough times when we didn't like each other very much. But overall, it was quite a ride, and I realize I am blessed. The emotion that I feel most often now is gratitude that we had those 52 years together, and I have so many wonderful memories. I thank God every day for lending me Tommy. Thanks for letting me share.

Cheryl said...

I hope you've been doing better. I know it's hard, even though I've never lived anything of the sort. Remember that many thoughts and prayers are with you, and that you're not alone. Also, the important thing to remember when you're a widow is that it's most important to not be hard on yourself. Your husband is in a better place, and he's want you to be happy. God bless.

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