I’m on a plane back to Jersey, and I’m just glad I made it through the weekend. The effects of the copious amounts of alcohol I drank were nothing compared to the heart-wrenching time at the wedding. I am so happy for my friends; they are great people, and deserve the joy they are experiencing now. It’s just so difficult to be at a wedding, and see happy couples everywhere. It’s so odd how you can be in a room full of people, and yet feel so utterly alone. I think the hardest part was definitely the ceremony. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I went through that exact same ceremony less than four years ago. At least they didn’t use the “till death do us part” line. I think if I ever marry again, I’ll definitely use “as long as we both shall live” instead. I like that better. The candle portion of the ceremony was also incredibly touching, since we did that as well. I don’t understand why our candle had to be snuffed out so early. 18 short months we were married. It seems like a lifetime ago.
I of course couldn’t help but remember my memories of that day. It was so wonderful, and he was great. We were deliriously happy, obliviously ignorant of the realities of life. I look back at that me in pity. I was so innocent. The day Pablo died, I think the scales dropped from my eyes. I always believed that if you lived a good life, you’d be rewarded. If that’s the case, then what contest in hell did I win?! I have come to understand that that’s clearly not the case, that the world operates in a random matter. I have to believe this, or else I’ll go crazy, seeing people I know who don’t appreciate what they have.
I hate that the bitterness is creeping in, that I’ve become cynical and jaded. I want to get better, and enjoy the rest of my life, since I expect to be here awhile, but it’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. It takes everything I have to maintain this thin veneer of normalcy I show to the world. Yeah, I look like an ordinary 28 year old. But I’m so cracked, so damaged, and I’m so scared of letting any of that out, lest I become a nutcase. It’s such a thin line that I walk everyday.