Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Why did this happen to me?!

I think that is one of the most selfish questions we young widows/ers can ask ourselves. Think about it for a minute - we're still alive. It's our spouses who were unlucky enough to have their lives ended by an illness, an accident, something. Or are they unlucky?

Shoot, I consider him the lucky one. I'm the one left to clean up all my emotions, deal with this for the rest of my life, and I get to be the one to tell my daughter: "Guess what, kid? You ain't got a dad!" (okay, I'm obviously not going to use those words, but you get my gist.)

Therefore, even though death didn't directly get me, it still got me. I'm the one who suffered here. (Well, I can say that, because I know he died instantly.) I don't think this question will ever be solved. Every time I see a man play with his child or hear him mention his wife, I think "that should be me!" It's easy to fall into the pit of questions, especially, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" I find myself poring over the last 27 years to think of what I possibly could've done to deserve such a punishment. And even though I know God doesn't work like that (after all, it's hardly fair to kill him off to punish me - wouldn't that punish Pablo most of all), it's not hard to think of the Mafia and how they don't go after you when they want to punish you, but after your nearest and dearest.

Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this??


claudia said...

im 26. i lost my partner of 8 years, who was also 26, 28 days ago. im going to keep reading your blog... i ask the same questions.. n im so hollow. we didnt have any children.. i got my period today. it made me sad.. fuck. im going to start a blog. i think im going crazy. i look for him.

today is our 8 year anniversary. n im trying to be happy. but im just struggling.

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