December 19, 2006

No time for cutesy titles.

It's been awhile since I've written, and it's partly because I've been so swamped at work and holiday preparations, and partly because I've been mostly treading water lately, just trying to make it through the holidays/my birthday (on Jan. 4th). I'd kind of like to just wake up on Jan. 5th, and be done with it.

This past weekend, I went on a spiritual retreat. A woman who knows my mother from church functions said she had a dream wherein she was told to take me. I grudgingly accepted her invitation, and surprisingly came out of it with a great sense of peace. I won't lie and say that I'm all better now, because we all know that's not true. However, on Saturday night, as I was praying to Jesus, I had the most awesome insight. I won't call it a vision, because I didn't see anything. I felt a voice (because I didn't really hear it either) tell me that He was going to watch over Samantha, and be her Father. This assuaged two great fears/concerns I have: 1.) it always broke my heart that Samantha never met her father, and even though she most likely will have a stepfather one day, it won't be the same; and 2.) I am deathly scared of something happening to Samantha, and if something ever happens to her, I don't know if I would be able to survive that. Who better to watch over Samantha than our Holy Father? He is always with her, unlike any of us who can't be with her 24 hours a day. I know some might read this and roll their eyes, but it was an amazing experience, and it has calmed my heart somewhat.

I also noticed that the sparkle was back in my eyes. One of the things I love most about Samantha is the way her eyes shine and sparkle. And I used to have that shine and sparkle too. However, for the last 23 months, my eyes have been flat and dull, even when I'm smiling or laughing. On Sunday morning, as I brushed my teeth, I noticed the spark in my eye, the way the light danced.

I'll cling to little things like this for now, till the one day I get more.