I was driving around earlier today, when Leanne Womack's "I Hope You Dance" came on the radio. That is one of those songs guaranteed to make me cry, and it also makes me thing. As I was listening, I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss - almost as if I was drowning in it. It's so frustrating to know that the one thing I want the most is the one thing I'll never have again.
I just wonder if this constant shadow on my life will ever be lifted. I do have my moments of happiness - Baby Girl provides me with more joy than I ever imagined. And there are other facets of my life that bring me some peace and calm.
Sometimes I just wish life provided us with something like weather.com, where I could go check when the break in the clouds finally comes. It's so much easier to weather the storm when you know that it'll be sunny and 80 degrees in a few days.
6 comments:
So I found my way here via procrastinating on Ladies...
"I Hope You Dance" was a big part of my senior year high school experience so I had to chime in.
I understand what you're saying and I've had similar thoughts and feelings, though on an admittedly smaller scale. I've never had to deal with "real" loss and sadness in the same way and I know I'm lucky for that. So I always feel bad/guilty/stupid when I try to relate my experiences to people who have really undergone something real.
But you're clearly a strong person, and that strength should provide you with the solace that the metaphoric sunny day is ahead. So, there's my two cents.
-SVPIMH
I arrived here via Deadspin via Ladies..., and I second Tom about you clearly being a strong person. I haven't experienced the loss you have, but I've struggled with depression for a long time and I know the kind of tricks your mind can play on you in terms of falling into spirals of sadness or guilt.
Anyway, you're clearly very smart (fuck the bar exam) and articulate and you have your sense of humor so while none of us can predict the future, I get the feeling that you'll find your way back to happiness and enjoying life. Best of luck and, most importantly, keep writing; not just this blog, but Deadspin and Ladies..
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