God DAMMIT

So. I got my bar results. You can guess what they are from my title. I'm just so bitterly disappointed, even though I have no one more to blame than myself. Now I have to take the stupid exam, AGAIN, in February. I can't believe this.

I just got off the phone with my friend, and she told me not to be so hard on myself, because of everything I've been through since Pablo's death. I know it may be true, but I hate it. I don't want to use that as an excuse! I hate that his death continues to have effect on me (stupid as that may sound). I hate the fact that it will continue to affect me for the rest of my life.

I just want to be able to pass the stupid exam. Actually, what I want is to be with him. If he were here, I wouldn't care that I had to take it twice a year, for the rest of my life.

I hate coming up with clever titles.

It's hard to consistently come up with clever, cutesy titles.

Anyway, a few nights ago, I was reading a book in bed, and Sammy was playing around on the bed. She then does the cutest thing - she lifts my right arm, and cuddles up to me and says "wub you, mami." Yes, my heart melted there, and I felt so happy to hear her say that, and show it too. But why is it that from now on all my happy moments will be tinged with sadness? Because just a few seconds after being overwhelmed with joy, the sadness crept in. I wish he could've been there to share that moment with me, with our daughter. But more than that, I wish he could've experienced the love that I feel for Sammy and the love she feels for me. I wish he could've gotten the opportunity to know how amazing it is to kiss her little head, or feel her little arms around my neck.

And of course, the sadness never comes alone. Anger, frustration, a sense of unfairnes - they all follow shortly. But that night, I waved them all away, and told Sammy a bedtime story. I'm clinging to the happiness, dammit, and you can't take it away from!