The Merry Widow

2012-01-25T01:28:00.002-05:00

7 years...

7 years ago, my life derailed. It literally blew up in Pablo's face. And not a day has gone by since where I don't miss him, that I don't feel that ache inside.

A few days ago, I was driving to Queens to pick up Baby Girl. She was visiting Pablo's sister for the weekend. As I drove, I listened to my iPod. Everything was cool until Patty Loveless's "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?" came on. I was hit with a wave of sadness and grief so strong that I nearly pulled over. As I choked down sobs, I wondered, "Whose life was that? Who's left a widow at 26, while pregnant? That only happens in the movies!" These thoughts weigh heavily on my mind nowadays as my new husband and I contemplate having babies.

I can't help but fear that the exact same thing is going to happen. And how selfish and stupid of me it is! As if my pain can compare to the fact that Pablo never got hold his baby in his arms, that he never saw how perfect she was. But in some ways, Pablo's pain was brief. He will never know the pain of loss. The pain of feeling a loved one torn away.

One of the most thoughtless things I heard in those early days was "You're young, you'll find someone new." As if it was merely a thing that had been damaged or lost. As if any one person can replace another. Now that I've remarried, it may be surprising to think that I still mourn the loss of not only my first husband, but a dear friend.

I still think of him every day. There are moments when I yearn for a glimpse of an alternate reality, a reality where he met his daughter and where he became the father I always knew he'd be. I usually banish those thoughts quickly because the pain is still sharp. There will always be a part of me that never heals, that always remains grief-stricken over the loss of someone so young, over the loss of our life together. Even as I amaze myself with the girl I once was, on that cold January day 7 years ago, to the person I've become today, I know a part of me will hurt forever.

This memorial post now becomes my yearly appeal to you all. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone. If there's anyone who you've been meaning to call or see, just do it today. For me. For Pablo.

We miss you always, Pablo.

2011-02-16T10:19:00.000-05:00

In Memory of Angel DeJesus

On July 19, 2009, our dear grandfather, Angel DeJesus, passed away from complications related to Alzheimer's. For close to a decade, he suffered from the ravages of the disease. I will never forget the day in 2004 when we "lost" him. He was at our uncle's house and just wandered out. After searching our town for a couple hours, we finally found him at a local grocery store. We were terrified during those few hours, with thoughts that he could easily wander into traffic and get seriously hurt.

It was around that time that the family realized that we could no longer care for our grandfather, and that he would have to receive care from an Alzheimer's facility. He would spend the rest of his days well cared for in a facility specializing in the care of Alzheimer's patients. For us, the worst part of the disease was seeing our once proud patriarch become a senile patient who could do very little for himself. (Grandpa used to dye his hair black. Once his mind was truly taken captive by the disease, he no longer dyed it. It was jarring to see him with a white head of hair.)

Almost 50% of people who reach 85 have Alzheimer's disease. Like many diseases, it not only affects the patient but touches all of his family and friends. On May 1st, my sister, Jessica DeJesus will be participating in the Bike to End Alzheimer's. Please help us (every little bit helps!) raise funds to further research this disease. Thank you for your time.

Donate here: http://2011biketoendalz.kintera.org/jessica

2011-01-24T23:31:00.002-05:00

6 years. That's how long it's been. 6 years since The Accident, The Day That Changed My Life. Yes, it requires caps.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about That Day. However, in the past 6 years, it's gotten easier to push it out of my head and focus on the man I lost. Why dwell on the terrible way his life ended when I can celebrate how he lived? Lately, Baby Girl has been asking more and more about her father. She's also displaying lots of his idiosyncrasies. It takes my breath away how like him she is sometimes. The worst is when she asks when he's coming back. I gently explain to her that he isn't and she carries on with her day. I wish more than anything that she had her father.

However, it's something I have to live with. Talking to her about him will always be emotional. I live every day knowing how easily, how quickly we can lose it all. It's a small price to pay for having had him in my life.

I miss you, Pablo. You were my best friend.

2011-01-05T13:55:00.002-05:00

5 days into 2011 and things seem to be going swimmingly. Or so it would seem. With a 6th anniversary rapidly approaching, I've found myself in tears every so often. I'm grateful it usually happens when I'm alone in the car, as I like to keep my grief to myself.

For some reason, every January I replay the weeks leading up to the Accident. I remember the birthday cake for my birthday on Jan. 1st. I remember flying home from DR on Jan. 2nd. I remember the phone call from him on Jan. 4th, calling to wish me a happy birthday. I remember going to the airport to pick him up on Jan. 8th. This will happen all month long until Jan. 25th.

People may think it's been long enough and life has gone back to normal. There will never be a normal after that. In the first few bleak days, I survived. In the following couple of years, I merely existed. I breathed, ate, slept, etc., just because I had to. I'm absolutely happy now. But there will always be part of me that grieves the man I lost that day, over the dreams I had, over the little girl who will never meet her dad (and the man who will never meet his daughter).

I'm glad the good days far outnumber the bad. I've grown to accept the bad as proof of how much he meant to me, how much he meant to all of us.

2010-07-22T15:41:00.003-04:00

And how quickly things can change. 12 hours after my last post, my fiance called me to tell me that Sellers weren't exactly out of their last contract.

I don't understand their motivations - why court another potential Buyer when you're under contract? Why try to entangle us in potential litigation for interfering with their contract when they've got someone lined up? I don't get it.

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

2010-07-20T22:45:00.002-04:00

We have recently been in the process of looking for a house and it has certainly been an adventure. We had originally decided on a nearby city, and were quickly discouraged when we saw that prices were still pretty high in that area. In order to get the house we wanted, we expanded our search.

Two months in, we found 2 amazing houses. They were so amazing, it took us a week to decide which house to pick. We finally made a choice and were ecstatic with it. And then the issues started mounting. No house is perfect, so we compromised with this house - it was on a busier road than we would've liked, it had a pool - something that worried us (maintenance and children), and would need a new roof and furnace, and didn't have a finished basement. Like I said, you make compromises when purchasing a home, unless you're paying enough to get everything you want. However, the final straw came when our mortgage officer told us we'd need flood insurance. It was the first we'd heard about that, and quickly looked to FEMA maps. Nothing. Elevation reports - nothing. The house was definitely in a flood zone, and we definitely wouldn't compromise on that.

I was sorely disappointed - it truly was a beautiful home - but we couldn't bend. As soon as we heard about the flood zone issue, we started looking at other homes. We immediately found a gorgeous home, but since we were tied up with the first contract, we couldn't negotiate with the seller. By the time we got out of the contract, the 2nd house had been snapped up. I was crushed. It was starting to seem like we'd never find anything (I might be a bit dramatic at times), but there was nothing else to do. I started looking at other houses, listing the ones I liked but there were so few that caught my eye now that we'd gotten used to the likes of the first couple of houses we were considering.

That was until yesterday. I got a call from my fiancé, and he was telling me, "The deal fell through, the deal fell through." I had no idea what he was talking about, but he finally told me that the buyers for the gorgeous house we'd seen had walked away from the contract! We knew we had to act fast and now we've put in an offer. Nothing's final till the sellers have signed, but we're so close I can taste it!

2010-03-03T01:23:00.002-05:00

Little blog, I've got great news. I'm engaged!! I'm so happy.

The boyfriend proposed while we were on vacation in the Philippines. It was the sweetest thing - he took me to bluff overlooking the ocean just outside our villa, after dinner, and simply asked "Will you marry me?" Of course I said yes.

I have been incredibly lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend. I've known him since college back in the late 90s. We went to law school together, and we've been close friends ever since. I thank my lucky stars for this wonderful, sweet, funny man.

2010-01-22T20:16:00.002-05:00

I noticed that it's been almost a year since I last updated. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by. On Jan. 25th, it will be 5 years since he left us. My daughter turns 5 in March. She begins kindergarten in September. I cannot believe it!

I don't recognize that 26 year-old girl I was when I was first widowed. I hurt for her, my heart breaks for her. My greatest fear is having the same pain invade my world again.

5 years later, I can honestly say that I'm doing okay. Life does go on, and you have no choice to continue. I also have a wonderful daughter who keeps me firmly in the here and now. A few days ago, she asked me how her father died. I explained as simply as I could that there had been an accident. There is time for the gruesome details later. For now, I'm glad that he is part of her life.

The time immediately following his death was spent surviving. Merely existing. I breathed because my body told me to. My heart pumped because it does it on its own. I ate because the baby inside me required me to. I slept because my weary body collapsed at night. Eventually, though, you begin to once again appreciate the green of the grass, your child's laugh, the taste of an ice cream cone. You once thought you'd never LIVE again, but you do overcome.

2009-02-02T02:08:00.002-05:00

One of the most frustrating things in dealing with all this has been the idea that I did everything right, and for what? My life seems to be a series of jokes, and I just want to breathe for a minute. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I just want a simple life. God, can't you help someone out?

2009-01-25T02:06:00.002-05:00

4 years ago, my world was rocked.

I was on the cusp of the rest of my life: recently graduated from law school, happy in my clerkship, pregnant with our first child, and happy with Him. In a little over two months, we were going to be parents! We were happily chugging along in our life together.

Then, a little after noon on 1/25/05, I got the phone call that changed my life, and me, forever. There'd been an accident. That's all I was told. My sister rushed to pick me up. I knew He was dead when I saw the looks my uncles gave me when I got home. My dad sat me down and confirmed what I already knew. I still, to this day, can't imagine what it feels like to look your little girl in the eye and say the words that you know will break her heart.

It's funny - I remember the stupidest details from that day. I was chatting about Beyonce on the Fametracker forums when my sister called me. I was wearing a blue fair isle sweater (that I never wore again). I didn't eat again for two days, when I was finally forced to by my mother. I remember so clearly getting to the hospital, having the officer tell me "He didn't make it" (I naively held out hope, hoping, wishing, praying that they'd gotten it wrong, that He was ok).

Instead, I was widowed. At 26. And 7 months pregnant. We didn't even know what we were having, since we wanted to keep it a surprise.

However, life goes on, and I am amazed at how far I've come. I never thought I'd be happy again, and I am. It's a new chapter - hell, sometimes I think it's a whole new book. And I never thought this little girl, this amazing, wonderful little girl would ever captivate me this way. I am so lucky to be her mom.

Pablo, this one's for you.

2009-01-12T19:14:00.002-05:00

And so it comes. Last week, I turned 30. I was all kinds of nervous, because I read so much about other widows/ers going through weirdness when they turned their deceased spouses' age when DS died. Pablo was 30 when he died, about to turn 31. But I'm hoping that things will be all good.

Finally I went through a set of holidays that were actually enjoyable. I'm happy that I'm able to enjoy this time of year again, and only a little guilty at not missing him as much. Stupid guilt.

Another thing I've been feeling the guilt about is how happy I am in my Chapter 2 relationship. Things are going swimmingly, other than a few normal relationship kinks. For example, we've been together almost 2 years, and I'd love to take a trip with him, but we haven't been able to match schedules yet. Sigh. We've got to get on a plane sometime in 2009. I'll make it happen.

I'm def. not looking forward to later this month. Jan. 25th will be the 4 year anniversary of his death. I can't believe it's been 4 years! I can still relive almost every single day after my birthday till that horrible day. Where does the time go?

I can tell it's been awhile that I hadn't written since I had so much to spill. A few weeks ago, we were driving behind the cemetery where Pablo is buried, and Baby Girl giddily says: "Papi Pablo's there, papi Pablo's there!" That hurt my heart, to know that my girl only knows her dad as "someone who's buried somewhere".

2008-09-11T01:15:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been 7 years since 9/11. Time really does fly. I'm not going to reminisce, because everyone has their stories about where they were when they first heard. I'm just thinking of all the people who lost loved ones in that tragedy. In a way, it must suck to have their grief dredged up every year for all to see. I'm very private in my grief, so I think it'd be a little tiring to have America's eyes on you on such a hard day.

In another way, it seems like it'd facilitate the marking of the anniversary. Everyone is grieving in one or another, so no one thinks you're weird or crazy for still grieving. I've found that some people expect you to be "all better now!" when some time has gone by. Huh, as if.

2008-08-23T23:20:00.003-04:00

I didn't realize that another death - especially to someone who I didn't know very well - could shake me up as much as it has. When I woke up on Friday morning, I was greeted with the news that a friend of my sister's had been killed. He was a police officer in our town, and he had been on duty, driving a prisoner to the jail, when his car was hit on the driver's side. He was only 31, had been married a few years, and was expecting his first baby. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was just too damn similar to my own story. I immediately went on the internet, hoping against hope that our neighbor had gotten the story wrong. I was just crushed when I saw him name there, when the report confirmed his death. I just thought back to my own Worst Day Ever, 1/25/05. I know that 8/22/08 will have the same significance to his widow. This is something I would never wish on anyone, a club we wish no one would ever join. Unfortunately, life always has something in store for us.

It's now been over 3 years since That Day. I can tell I have gotten better. It's taken a lot of work, and of course, it's something that will be with me always. But I did notice that while I wasn't paying attention, I have begun to be happy again. But then things like this happen to just push me right back to where I started, even if I know how to crawl out of the hole now.

2008-08-19T23:54:00.002-04:00

Today, Baby Girl broke my heart. I took her to the park, to play on the swings and in the fountain they have. She was having a great time, and watching her run around and play made me wish her dad was there to watch her also.

While I was pushing her on the swings, I saw an old friend. I said hi, and asked Baby Girl to turn around and say hi, since that friend knew Pablo, and would like to see his daughter. BG asked who it was, and I told her that was a friend of her dad's. She replied: "That's my dad?!" It was like a knife twisting. Her voice just sounded so hopeful. Sigh.

2008-08-11T14:05:00.003-04:00

Lately, time's just been zipping by. I guess I should update where I am right now.

Baby Girl starts pre-school next month! It's very exciting. I can't believe she's already at the age where she can go to school. I've been busy shopping for some school clothes for her, and searching for the perfect book bag. It's funny, I think her book bag and lunch box will be more of statement about me, than about her.

The case that stemmed from the Accident is close to its conclusion. Part of me is relieved to have this over with, and anxious to move on with my life. The other part of me feels guilty that I am receiving a "windfall" from His death. I knew that was to be expected but am still surprised to be going through it.

Finally, I had heard about people who, after being so catastrophically hurt emotionally, become evasive towards the new partner or even sabotage it subconsciously. I always thought that was ridiculous, and vowed I'd never do it. Joke's on me, because it seems that I'm doing exactly that. I will not go into specifics, but I find myself doing the same things over and over again, knowing that it will upset my loving boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I taking advantage of this wonderful man? I'm scared that one day I will lose him, after pushing him over the brink.

2008-04-03T19:03:00.002-04:00

Wow. I hadn't noticed just how long it's been since the last time I posted. I guess I should update...

I now have a boyfriend. Well, not now. He's been around for awhile. And he makes me very happy. Unfortunately, it's led me to an emotion I didn't think I'd experience - guilt. I sometimes feel guilty for being happy, and I know it's irrational, but it's still there. I hate experiencing these things, but the only thing I can do is manage them. You can't really quell them.

The other day, I had the most extraordinary thing happen to me. I was riding the train to work, and I was staring out the window. The glare of the sun was hurting my eyes, and I thought to myself "Goddamn this sun." I then turned my head and standing almost right behind me was a blind man. I immediately felt horrible. Here I was, with the wonderful gift of sight, damning something that this man probably wished he could see. That made me realize that even though some things seem horrible, I'm infinitely luckier than a lot of people out there.

2007-12-20T11:52:00.000-05:00

Last night, I spent 4 hours in the ER. Everything turned out fine, Sammy had just hurt her wrist. I was afraid she'd broken anything, so I took her, and the xrays came back negative. She still needed a splint, and it broke my heart to see her little arm get wrapped up, and then put in a little sling.

What really got me though was that yesterday had been the first time I'd stepped into that ER since That Day. I actually felt a little woozy when I stepped inside, and when they ushered me into the waiting area. It was just all too much. I couldn't help but think of That Day. Of the noise, the movement all around, the police walking up to me and telling me "he didn't make it." But, I just saw his brother - how did he not make it, and his brother did? I couldn't help thinking "why am I here?"

2007-12-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already December. In 8 short weeks, we'll be marking the 3rd anniversary of Pablo's death. 3 years. I cannot believe it.

3 years ago, we were preparing for our first vacation to Dominican Republic. I look back fondly on that last vacation we took, and still hate that we never got the chance to go back as a family, with Baby Girl. Especially since it seems Baby Girl & I might be going in February. We'll see - but I know that's going to be on my mind, as I make my decision, and if I do go, all during the trip.

The other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind is the fact that we're now in the holiday season. Of course it's a difficult time for us, but I get the feeling that it'll be a little bit easier this year. I will still be upset at the fact that he's not with us, but maybe I'm just getting used to it.

2007-11-13T14:10:00.000-05:00

I passed my Bar Exam! I am so excited and relieved.

It's kind of a bittersweet accomplishment by this point. I really wish I could've shared this news with Pablo, and gotten his reaction. I know he would've been proud and happy for me, but I still wish I could've seen it.

In other things, Baby Girl has learned the word "Daddy". However, I don't think she understand exactly what it is. Last week, her cousin was over, and they were playing together with dolls, and her cousin kept saying "My daddy this" and "My daddy that", and Baby Girl took the word and ran with it. When we went to our weekly Gymboree music class, she called the gentleman sitting next to us "daddy". Sigh. As a matter of fact, she's playing one room over from where I am right now, and I hear her saying "Daddy, where are you?" Keep in mind, she doesn't equate "Daddy" with her father, who we all call "Papi" (the Spanish word for Dad/Daddy). But it still breaks my heart to hear her say that.

2007-10-29T02:20:00.000-04:00

Nothing like a high school reunion to make you evaluate where you are in your life. 10 years ago, I saw myself satisfied with my job, happily married and with 1 or two rugrats. One out of three ain't bad, huh?

Yesterday was my god-son's fourth birthday. Do you know what it's like to be in a room with all these couples, all with their perfect two-sets, boy and girl? Blech. Makes me wonder what the hell I did wrong in my prior life. And I know it's irrational to think that way, but I just get curious sometimes as to why I won this horrific lottery, while most people my age just wander through their lives, blissfully unaware of what could befall them. Yes, this is the "blinders" approach to life, as I'm sure I'm hardly the only person to suffer hardship, but it definitely feels that way sometimes.

2007-09-19T13:41:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever given an account of exactly happened That Day. So I guess today is the day I bare my soul on this little corner of the internets.

It's been 2 1/2 years, and it still feels as if it happened yesterday. But in some ways, it feels as if a decade has gone by since then.

The day before, I remember we went to my parents' house right next door, and as we were walking home, we spoke about taking pictures in the snow and other inanities. Now that I know that was our last night together, I wish we had talked about more important things. But that's a silly wish now, isn't it?

That Day dawned like any other day. I mean, I don't know exactly what I expected. It's not like anyone ever wakes up and thinks "today's the day my husband is going to die". I got up, went to the bathroom, and then woke him up. I was so happy that he now had a normal work schedule (he'd been working 3 am-11 am for the past year, and had recently been moved to a 9-5 schedule). I remember preparing his lunch, and looking through the kitchen window and seeing him move around outside. I think he was putting away some garbage cans or something. Whatever, that's not important. We left to work together, since we only had one car at the time. I dropped him off at work, and asked him if he was okay as he'd been pretty quiet the entire car ride. He turned to me and said "yeah, I'm fine." God, why didn't I tell him to play hooky with me? Why couldn't I have done something?

I got to work half an hour later, and after a bit, headed out for some breakfast. When I got back to the office, I settled into work, nibbling at my food. I had left my cell phone in the car, and maybe that was for the best. I later saw that the phone calls started at about 11 am. I remember I was at some gossip site, debating something or other about Beyonce, when I got The Call. My sister asked me if I had heard from Pablo or my mom, and I said no and asked why, and she said no reason. I bitched at her that she was worrying me, and hung up on her. I promptly called his cell, and even though I was used to not getting a response while he was work, this time it was different. I knew something had happened.

My sister called me back a minute or two later, and told me there had been an accident at his job. I screamed NO, and felt as if my stomach had flipped over. I told her to come pick me up, and I squeezed my belly (I was 7 months pregnant), and whispered to myself that I had to stay calm. I went out of my office to tell someone else that I'd be leaving early, but didn't find anyone since they'd all headed out to lunch. An attorney sitting outside my office looked curiously at me, and I told him that I had to leave, if he could please tell the Judge and secretary that I left because of a family emergency. I grabbed my things and rushed out to wait during the 30 longest minutes of my life.

While I waited, I went to my car and got my cell phone. I saw that there were a bunch of missed calls, but I didn't bother with that then. I finally saw my sister and we were off. On our way home, one of Pablo's friends called me and said "I can't believe he's dead!" I screamed at him that no, he wasn't, he couldn't be, and had to hang up. I called my dad and he told me that Pablo was hurt and we'd go to the hospital as soon as I got home. I begged him to please tell me the truth, and that's when I knew. My dad didn't say anything else, but I knew he was just waiting till I got home to tell me the inevitable.

When I got home, I found a bunch of people there, and my dad rushed me in. Before I even took off my coat, he held me in his arms, and told me "The worst has happened". I just collapsed in his arms. (One thing sticks in my memory - my aunt telling my dad "Don't tell her, don't tell her" - they'd have to tell me eventually, no?) I couldn't believe it - my husband was dead. It couldn't be, it couldn't be. Other than my godfather, my dad's brother, who was shot to death back in the late 80s, I'd never had someone close to me die. And now, the person closest to me was dead.

It was time to head to the hospital - I don't know why, it's not like he was on a hospital bed or anything. But we had to go, and now that I think about it, I guess it was so a police officer could tell me what happened. I'm sure he was bracing himself for a freak out, but I just numbly heard that he hadn't made it, and acquiesced when the nurses asked to check my blood pressure and all that.

Later that day, a detective came to my house to ask me about any identifying marks on Pablo's body. I asked the detective if it was prudent for me in my condition to see his body - I wanted nothing more than to say good bye, even if I knew that he wasn't there any longer. He looked at me sadly, and said no, it's be best if I didn't see him. That tore me apart.

Pablo was killed by an explosion. Two other men were also killed. Some acetylene came into contact with a space heater, causing the explosion. We're so frail, and I still can't believe that a little gas could've ripped apart three human beings, and complete families.

I'll write more later, since I've now got Baby Girl asking me why I'm crying and telling me not to be sad.

2007-08-02T01:44:00.000-04:00

As I lay here in bed, wondering why I can't go to sleep, it hits me - today would've been our fourth wedding anniversary.

Four years ago today, a 24-year-old me was rushing around, ecstatic that her wedding day had finally come. After seven years, she was finally going to be joined to the man she loved. Little did she know that fate had such a cruel twist in store for her.

I both pity and envy the Wanda of 2003. She didn't have a clue of what was to come, but she was also blissfully ignorant of it. I'm saddled with the grief, with the torment that comes from being widowed. At 26. After 18 months of marriage. While pregnant. I sometimes marvel that I've made it to 30 months.

I worry sometimes about myself, though. It's been 30 months; how come I haven't been able to watch our wedding video? Or get rid of his stuff? It's sitting in a garage for now, but why am I really holding onto it? Laziness? Perhaps a bit of that. But can it be something more?

Happy anniversary to me, I guess.

2007-07-08T22:59:00.001-04:00

Most people think that sadness is the one feeling that people deal with the most in the the aftermath of the loss of a loved one.

Little do they know that anger is a constant companion on the road back to recovery. Learning to deal with that anger has been one of my most frustrating struggles. Some of that anger can be understandable. For example, it might seem silly to some to be angry at God. After all, what exactly is God? What purpose does getting angry at some amorphous "thing" serve? I do believe in God, and it's a good thing I do, because He gets the brunt of my anger. I think he can handle it. He's big enough to handle one puny person's rage.

It's amazing the list of things that can anger me now. On the one hand, sometimes I'm more easily frustrated by some insignificant thing, and on the other hand, sometimes things that would have quickly set me off before now don't faze me. I don't even understand it most days. Nor do I try to.

I try to just deal with it most days. Of course, every once in a while, it's going to get out of hand. But it's not really fair for me to take out my silly anger on someone else. It's on me to deal with it and not force it on someone else. It's no one else's responsibility but mine.

One of the things I miss the most is having that partner-in-crime to talk things over with. He was the one person who always knew how to handle me best.

2007-07-04T15:52:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I went to a baseball game. Now usually, that wouldn't really be cause for me to write a post, but something happened at this game.

I sat next to a young boy, who was about 7 or 8, and his mother. For some strange reason, I felt a connection with the young boy and his mother. And that had nothing to do with their Mets hats. It's kinda weird to see a mother and child at a ballgame. What you see far more frequently is a man and his child. Now, a million and one things could've happened for this woman to end up at a game with her child: she could be a divorcee; her husband could be at home, at work, at war; she could be a single by choice parent. But I don't know. I did notice she had a wedding ring on. However, the thing that drew me the most to her was when I caught her wiping a few tears from her eyes.

Crying in public can be therapeutic, but it's also something intensely intimate, and I didn't know exactly how to softly ask her if everything was ok. But I did feel a connection with her. Now, perhaps she's a widow. It's possible. But I'll never know.

Just saw these lyrics, and they kinda describe the way I feel right now:
No one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

2007-06-22T02:24:00.000-04:00

I hate the moments when I feel lost, when my life feels so meaningless. Wait, not meaningless, but directionless. I just feel as if I'm going through the motions and for what? My life seems to lack inertia, and I know it's got to come from somewhere inside me. I need to want to go out there, and find a job, to provide for Baby Girl.

It's just... What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm 28 and I still have no idea what I want to do. Is that how I'm going to live the rest of my life? I'm sure it's not, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes.

Do you know what it's like to send out resume after resume and not have one phone call? It sucks. Hard. And what can I do about it, but send out more?

I'm not saying all these employment woes would be gone if Pablo were still here. But he'd sure as hell make it a lot easier to deal with. He was my rock, and I miss his emotional support.

2007-06-09T01:26:00.000-04:00

The oddest thing happened the other day. I usually ask Baby Girl "Where is papi?" to make sure she recognizes her father in photographs, and when I do, she usually just points to whichever picture is closest and responds "there he is." However, the other day, she answered differently. When I asked her, she replied that he was "in the rainbow". I don't know where she came up with it. But it brought tears to my eyes to hear her say that. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it's because I'd like to imagine he's somewhere up there, watching down on us from his perch on a rainbow. Or maybe it's because I want to think that Baby Girl's imagination is now developing to the point where she can "explain away" where her "Papi" is.
***********************************************

I went to the movies last night to see "Knocked Up." I really needed to just laugh for a few hours. Why in the world did I end up crying during most of the second half? Actually, the weird thing is why I'm so surprised that I cried during a movie about pregnancy, knowing that seeing the stuff play out would affect me. I really could've used him around for the last two months.

Whenever I see Baby Girl, I just wish desperately that he had seen her. Once at least. That he could see the wonderful little child we created together. That he could enjoy her like I do.

2007-05-29T15:38:00.000-04:00

Blech. I hate when I have so many thoughts bouncing around my head and I just can't seem to draw them out. That frustrates me so much!

A few days ago, the whole family got together for pre-Memorial Day bbq. I love and loathe these get-togethers. I love that we're all together, hanging out, watching the kids have a good time. I love dressing Baby Girl up and showing off her latest outfit, letting the kids play on her newest toys, and just basking in that glow of parenthood.

However, I loathe the feelings that these get-togethers stir within me. Pablo and I went to so many of these things, that it's difficult not to imagine him strolling through the back yard, with jokes for the adults and hugs for the kids. It's also hard to see everyone carry on about their lives and know that I have to start my life over from scratch. If you'd asked me 5 years ago where I'd be five years from now, I definitely would've answered that I would've seen myself happily married, living in a starter home, with a baby on my hip. In baseball 1-3 is good. In life, not so much.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" has easily become my motto. Yes, I watch too much Disney. But sometimes, you need a little bit of that magic in your life.

2007-05-10T10:58:00.000-04:00

I would like just one break, one stinking little break, God, to indicate that my life is somewhat close to getting back on track.

Fuck normal, I don't need normal. I'm so far gone from normal that I don't remember what it was like. I just want to know that my life is headed in the right direction, that I am doing something with myself other than merely existing.

*************************************************

That's what born out of the many moments of frustration I have. They come and go, and the best I can do is ride the wave and hope not to get pulled below. There were things I expected to have, stations I expected to be at this point in my life. I just feel as if I'm stuck, as if someone has paused my life. When do I get to live? When do I get to dream for the starter home, the significant other, the shared joy of parenting? I know these things will come at their own time, but dammit, I just want to know when.

2007-05-03T01:11:00.000-04:00

I was driving around earlier today, when Leanne Womack's "I Hope You Dance" came on the radio. That is one of those songs guaranteed to make me cry, and it also makes me thing. As I was listening, I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss - almost as if I was drowning in it. It's so frustrating to know that the one thing I want the most is the one thing I'll never have again.

I just wonder if this constant shadow on my life will ever be lifted. I do have my moments of happiness - Baby Girl provides me with more joy than I ever imagined. And there are other facets of my life that bring me some peace and calm.

Sometimes I just wish life provided us with something like weather.com, where I could go check when the break in the clouds finally comes. It's so much easier to weather the storm when you know that it'll be sunny and 80 degrees in a few days.

2007-04-29T20:52:00.000-04:00

When I heard the news this morning that the Cubs/Cardinals game was being postponed, I just thought it odd. It was too early to postpone it because of weather. If only it was being pushed back due to a rainstorm.

This morning, at approximately 12:35 am, Josh Hancock was killed in a car accident. He was only 29. That's the same age Pablo was.

After Pablo died, I didn't know what the expect when the following baseball season started. I became a baseball fan because of him, but became a die hard on my own. Even though I missed him dearly while watching games, I was able to lose myself in the sport I loved - even if for only three hours.

While watching baseball, only what was between the white chalk lines mattered - death didn't even come into the equation on the grass and dirt of the baseball diamond.

But when things like this happen, you're reminded that these are real people playing these game. Real human beings and not just a pile of statistics. While we only see innings pitched, ERA and various other numbers, these people are the world to their friends and families. Josh Hancock was someone's son, someone's brother, someone's friend.

I mourn the loss of another young man cut down in the prime of his youth, and offer my humble condolences to his friends and family.

2007-04-23T09:32:00.000-04:00

I saw a sign yesterday and it's had me thinking since I saw it. It's nothing special, just a VW ad, with the phrase: "Dare to be happy."

I think that might be my problem. I can't let myself be happy.

After The Accident, I bought every book I could get my hands on that even mentioned grief and widows/ers. I must have read about 20 different books. I felt an insatiable need to educate myself on all those feelings churning right under the surface. And I mostly did.

I remember reading about survivors' guilt, where widows/ers felt guilty about living their lives to the fullest after their partners had passed. This could happen for a variety of reasons: perhaps the widow/er was driving the car in the fatal crash, perhaps the widow/er feels he/she should've prevented the accident or foreseen the sickness, perhaps even the widow/er feels that he/she should've been the one to die. (This is, at best, a simplistic explanation of survivors' guilt.)

I always promised myself that I wouldn't do that. Since I now knew about it, I would know to banish those thoughts once they invaded my mind, I would say to myself.

Ha ha. If only it were that easy.

Now, I'm wrestling with myself - part of me desparately wants to be happy again. Another part of me (in the subconcious) believes I have no right to such happiness. How could I when my husband is dead? It's silly, I know, but such are feelings.

Dare to be happy. Such a simple concept, and yet so difficult to actually carry out.

2007-04-18T14:48:00.000-04:00

Like the rest of the country, I watched in horror as the massacre at Virginia Tech. unfolded. My thoughts immediately went to the parents of the students. You ship your child off to college, assuming they're going to be safe from most everything - you never expect to hear that a crazed gunman killed 32.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain those parents are going through. Reading through a list of the victims last night, I saw that there were several people who left behind spouses. I can understand with them a little more the feeling of seeing your spouse go off to work, and then finding out that they are never coming home.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the entire VT community.

2007-04-15T02:41:00.000-04:00

I started this blog partly to get out some of the darker feelings, and partly to see the progress I've made as the months go by. Since it's been pretty dark around here lately, let's lighten up things a bit.

I saw a really nice sign recently: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." It may sounds trite, but I think it's a lovely sentiment. There are moments when I do feel as if my world is over. I always lived life "on hold" - I'll do things after I graduate, I kept telling myself. And then, 8 months after I graduate, my world collapses around me. I feel as if I've been put on hold again.

But more and more lately, I've felt as if I might just be turning into a butterfly, excuse the corniness. I feel parts of my world brightening. I know that the dark days aren't gone - they'll never really be gone. But I feel hope surround me, and the darkness no longer shuts it out.

2007-04-12T02:05:00.000-04:00

I just stumbled onto a site for "sports widows". Does it make me petty that I instantly became incensed? I can't believe someone could benignly call herself a widow just because her significant other watches sports. You know what, I'm a REAL WIDOW, and my husband ain't coming back after no game. Think about people who have really lost someone and think about that next time your husband wants to play a little golf, or your wife wants to go shopping.

2007-04-09T01:52:00.000-04:00

I’m on a plane back to Jersey, and I’m just glad I made it through the weekend. The effects of the copious amounts of alcohol I drank were nothing compared to the heart-wrenching time at the wedding. I am so happy for my friends; they are great people, and deserve the joy they are experiencing now. It’s just so difficult to be at a wedding, and see happy couples everywhere. It’s so odd how you can be in a room full of people, and yet feel so utterly alone. I think the hardest part was definitely the ceremony. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I went through that exact same ceremony less than four years ago. At least they didn’t use the “till death do us part” line. I think if I ever marry again, I’ll definitely use “as long as we both shall live” instead. I like that better. The candle portion of the ceremony was also incredibly touching, since we did that as well. I don’t understand why our candle had to be snuffed out so early. 18 short months we were married. It seems like a lifetime ago.

I of course couldn’t help but remember my memories of that day. It was so wonderful, and he was great. We were deliriously happy, obliviously ignorant of the realities of life. I look back at that me in pity. I was so innocent. The day Pablo died, I think the scales dropped from my eyes. I always believed that if you lived a good life, you’d be rewarded. If that’s the case, then what contest in hell did I win?! I have come to understand that that’s clearly not the case, that the world operates in a random matter. I have to believe this, or else I’ll go crazy, seeing people I know who don’t appreciate what they have.

I hate that the bitterness is creeping in, that I’ve become cynical and jaded. I want to get better, and enjoy the rest of my life, since I expect to be here awhile, but it’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. It takes everything I have to maintain this thin veneer of normalcy I show to the world. Yeah, I look like an ordinary 28 year old. But I’m so cracked, so damaged, and I’m so scared of letting any of that out, lest I become a nutcase. It’s such a thin line that I walk everyday.

2007-04-02T02:34:00.000-04:00

Dammit. I've been avoiding this.

Several weeks ago, Baby Girl and I, while in Florida, went to Disney World. Wow, that was fucking depressing. Everywhere I turned, there were happy little families, parental units intact. How do I explain to Baby Girl that we're different? That there's no daddy in our little unit? It hurt so much seeing all these shiny, happy people snapping their pictures and knowing that I should have that also, that I would have had it, if only a fucking valve had worked appropriately on that day.

However, as hard as that was, I at least was free of (mostly all) the ghosts. We had been to Florida together once, when we were newly engaged, but the Florida of those days is very different than the one I just visited. Back then, we slept all morning, and spent the day hanging out till it was time to the hit the clubs. Now, running after Baby Girl took up most of my waking hours. Between that, we managed to go to Sea World, and catch a few ball games. But at least my mind was calm for those few hours.

My mind wasn't calm, though, at Baby Girl's 2nd bday party. First of all, doing mostly everything myself is a drag. There were so many errands I could have used him for. But beyond that, I really could have used him in the pictures, chasing after her, entertaining our guests, serving as the buffer between his family and myself, and basically basking in the glow of his daughter's 2nd bday party, like I know he would have.

2007-03-18T11:15:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting you lately, little blog, but it's not really my fault! The siren call of pools and laziness is far too great for me to resist.

Trekking all over the state of Florida, I've come to realize one thing: I hate driving. Driving used to be one of my favorite things. I loved the alone time; I usually spent that time singing along with the radio, talking to friends, and (best of all) thinking. I could think about anything and everything, uninterrupted (at least for the time it took me to get from point A to point B). My car was my oasis. Nowadays, though, driving is a chore. Not the short drives, mind you, but anything over half an hour sets my mind whirring. And I wish they were all happy thoughts. Nope, the darkness and despair just wait till I'm seated behind the steering wheel to grip me. Have I mentioned how hard it is to drive with tears in your eyes? What once was a treasured time for me is now cause for panic. Later today I have to drive from Miami to Orlando, and that three hour drive is not going to treat me kindly. Especially since it'll be just me and Baby Girl. Sigh.

2007-03-09T00:41:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when I'm driving around, I've gots all these thoughts bouncing around, but as soon as I sit down in front of the computer, it all dries up? I can barely think of what I want to write.

I think it's partly because my brain wants to believe that everything is hunky-dory in my life. So it'll come out while I can't write it down, where someone else can read it. It's just the oddest thing. Maybe I'm going to need to start going around with a notebook.

2007-02-18T03:24:00.000-05:00

When you've suffered a great loss, even a simple thing like reading a newspaper becomes difficult, as you're never sure where you're going to encounter fodder for heartache. I've learned that even in the sports section, you can find something that just sucker punches you in an unexpected way.

I was reading about Ty Wigginton, a player for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and the story was about how he delivered his second son. Just reading about him and his wife, and their shared experience reminded me of everything I missed out on, and I'm still missing out on. While I love Baby Girl more than life itself, I was never the "I want a bay-by!!!" type of girl. I wanted a baby with him.

It might seem like that's the same thing, but it's not. I wanted us to share doctors' visits, to be awed together at the picture of the sonogram, to be able to tell our kids about the night they were born. I wanted to see him cuddle his daughter, to see them fall asleep together, to take pictures of the two most important people in my life.

And all that was shattered in a the blink of an eye.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know if I am going to have more kids (I do hope so, though). All I do know is that even if I do have other kids, I know the fear that I will lose one of them, or the father, will never be far. It'll always be lurking around, skulking in the corners. And even if we do all the couple-y stuff (going to the sonogram together, our first picture as a family, etc.), that won't change the fact that I was supposed to have all that with Pablo.

2007-02-16T01:33:00.000-05:00

Damn, how is it that something as simple as an answering machine can knock you flat on your ass (figuratively speaking)?

I was working at the dining room table, reading some property questions, and Baby Girl was in the kitchen, playing with the answering machine (which we don't use, because our phone has voicemail). I kept hearing the original message (the one that comes on the machine) when I heard Pablo's voice. I convinced myself that it was just me hearing things in my head. After hearing it several more times, I got up and found Baby Girl. I took the machine from her, and checked the greetings, and lo and behold, there's Pablo saying hello, and that he can't come to the phone. That voice, that's so fucking familiar - yet I haven't heard it in two years. I couldn't contain myself and the tears just overcame me. Baby Girl thought I was laughing, and she started laughing nervously, but when she saw that I was crying, she held my head, stroked my face and just said "No llores, mami" (don't cry, mommy). Of course that just set off a fresh jag of tears. When Baby Girl said "papi" I finally smiled through the tears, and played it for her, so she could hear his voice.

It's incredibly fucked up that my daughter has to hear her dad's voice through a message that is 3 1/2 years old. My sense of fairness is extremely stretched to the limit at those moments.

Sigh.

2007-02-14T01:09:00.000-05:00

Well, happy Valentine's day.

This is an odd little day for me. We never made a big deal about Valentine's Day, partly beause I think it's a made-up holiday, and partly because we were usually saving money. So we never really did the big V-day dinner, or anything in that vein. As a matter of fact,

So why is it that I miss the flowers? The candies? Actually, fuck all that stuff, I miss him. I miss the talking, the hugging, the hand-holding, the knowing he's there for me.

I really wanted to write more, but what else is there left for me to say?

2007-02-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

It's weird how some days can go from okay, even good, to crappy as hell in under 5 seconds. Yesterday, I was chugging along, studying (which is the reason I haven't been able to post a new blog), and feeling pretty good because I was nailing my questions. Shoot, I didn't even have to use my AK - I gotta say it was a good day.

Then I go to pick up Baby Girl from her uncle's house, and on our way back, I'm rocking to some reggaeton, bopping my head. And it happens, a song from our past comes on the radio (Tono Rosario's "Cojelo", for those of you who care). If my life had a soundtrack, that's where the needle would have screeched to a halt. It was a slap in the face, and all of a sudden I was back at all the countless parties we went to together. It was a reminder of a lot of happy memories and also of the fact that those happy memories are pretty much all I've got left.

I hate when a simple song can do that to you.

2007-01-27T16:50:00.000-05:00

Well, the two year anniversary of Pablo's death has come and gone. Seriously, I didn't feel any differently on Jan. 25, than I did on Jan. 24. I still missed him incredibly, but the day wasn't any sadder.

I think the anticipation of the day itself is harder. Every day is hard in and of itself.

But I already knew that. You don't manage to survive two years of this without picking something up along the way.

I like this poem by e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

2007-01-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

I wasn't kidding when I said I get inspiration from the weirdest places. I was just on youtube.com, watching a clip from one of my favorite Scrubs episodes - "My Screwup". The part at the end, when they're all at Cox's brother-in-law's funeral, always tears me up. And then J.D. monologues: "In the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too."

And that is so true. My parents have made this grief journey infinitely easier. I don't know how I would've handled Baby Girl all on my own. And it hasn't been just them. Pablo's family, also, has been there for me, and their support has exceeded all my expectations. While I remain slightly disappointed in my friends, I usually give them a pass, because I don't know what I would've done if one of them had to go through this. I like to think I'd be awesome and supportive, but who knows?

Today is the Dia de La Altagracia (Our Lady of the Altagracia - she's the patron Virgin Mary for the Dominican Republic). Baby Girl was dressed up in a folkloric outfit in the colors of the Dominican flag - a white sweater, and a red, white and blue skirt, with a red bandana around her head. She also insisted on dancing with a group of children who were about 8 years old. She was so frackin adorable! She actually kept up pretty well with them, considering she'd never practiced, and isn't even two yet. Yet, while she was up there, and everyone was cheering her and the other children on, I couldn't help tearing up. I was so proud of her, of how she was dancing and how everyone was enthralled with her, but also so sad that Pablo wasn't there to see her and to share that experience with me. I wish he were here.

2007-01-21T01:09:00.000-05:00

I was recently reading that the Mayans believe that the world will end in 2012. In five years. And I was a little surprised to realize that I felt sadness if that were to be true. I want Samantha to be able to grow old, and have babies, and fall in love...

And I realized that, more than that, I want to have those things as well! I want to grow old, and fall in love again, and perhaps have another baby. And I still don't know how I feel about that. I feel happy. In a very tentative way. Like, if I allow myself to feel the recent happiness too much, I might strangle it in some way. So for now, I tenderly stroke it, hoping that if I nourish it enough, it'll grow. Because that's the way it works, right?

Seriously, I get inspiration from the weirdest places. I was doing my workouts last week, and my trainer said: "If it seems sometimes things are too much to handle look to God. Also, your mind and your will are all you have. Use it. Remember: where you are today, is where YOU put you. Where you'll be tomorrow, is where YOU will put you." It's all I have to remember.

I know sometimes I ramble a bit during these posts, but fuck it - outlining for briefs, not for this silly little blog...

2007-01-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

Part of my Plan for 2007 is to improve myself. Make a New and Improved Merry Widow, so to speak. (On my myspace page, my name is now Fancy, New Wanda. I really want to fix myself.)

Fixing myself includes fixing my outside. So for 2007, the junk is out! (not totally, because I'm not insane. But definitely curb it!) Especially since I (ta da) started working out!

So wish me luck on this fitness journey... I'll definitely need it!

Other than that, just trying to keep sane as the 2 year anniversary of Pablo's death looms. In 8 days, it'll be over, in 8 days, it'll be over, in 8 days, it'll be over...

2007-01-06T17:54:00.000-05:00

When do I get someone again to love me unconditionally? Am I selfish in wanting that again? After all, there are people who go their whole lives without it, and here I am wanting a second love like that!

I am so tired of the loneliness, of the excuses, of the promises broken, of the shards of affection.

Nothing seemed difficult when He had his arms around me, when He would gaze into my soul, when He loved me...

2007-01-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

The Day After

So, the birthday's over. Kinda relieved about that one. However, I can't stop thinking that next year, I'll be 29, then 30, and so on. I feel as if I'm hurtling towards a future alone and I can't do anything to stop it. I hate it. And I've had some people tell me that I have to "get out there" to meet people, but dammit, why can't my life be like a movie, and have a guy come to me?!

I'm so lonely. And I don't know if it's all coming to a head because in 20 days, Pablo will have been dead for two years, or what. It could be something else entirely that is causing these feelings to rush to the surface.

It might be cheesy, but I can really express myself through songs and music. Here're the lyrics to "My Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, from the Mulan soundtrack, and they are on point:

Look at me/You may think you see
Who I really am/But you’ll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask/I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in/But somehowI will show the world
What’s inside my heart/And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
There’s a heart that must be free to fly/That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal/What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?

2007-01-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

Birthdays - blech!

Tomorrow, I turn 28. 28 long years I've been on this planet. Actually, they haven't been long at all. It's just the last two that seem as if they've lasted a decade each. Life went by much quicker when I was happier.

I don't really have much to write, because the thought of being alone again on my birthday is just bringing me down. I do so well on the everyday stuff, but anytime that requires you spend with someone special - I just lose it.

I have no choice but to chin up, and drink a lot on my birthday.

2007-01-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

January 2nd

Alright, so some of the bitterness has flowed away, and I am actually getting excited about this new year!

2007 will be the year where I:
- finally pass the Fucking Bar Exam
- go back to looking like my 18 year old self (or as close as possible!)
- possibly, but probably not, go to my 10-year high school reunion
- maybe, but again maybe not, move out
- get a boyfriend
- maybe fall in love, and have someone fall in love with me (is that too much to ask for)
- be the best mom I possibly can be (although I did that in 2005 and in 2006)
- write a book
- finally stand up to my parents, and not let myself be guilted or brow-beaten
- finally accept

I look foward to Chapter 2.

2007-01-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Meh Year

A new year is upon us. Big deal. (This post will be a little scattered; bear with me.)

Last night, as midnight approached, just one thought ran through my head: " I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry." Moments like midnight, when everyone is kissing, and hugging, are when I miss him most. I miss him all day long, everyday, like a dull ache in my chest, but those moments feel like a hot poker pressed on me. It sucks, it fucking sucks, and there isn't no other way around it. Sigh. 364 days to find a date for next New Year's.

Last week, I was in Houston, for a college football Bowl game featuring my alma mater, Rutgers University. I had a great time in Houston, hanging out with friends, getting to eat the local cuisine, and cheering my team to victory. The three days were over way too fast, but you know what they say about time flying when you're having fun, and all that jazz. Now, I have a trip to New Orleans to look forward to in April.

I was just watching "Prince of Egypt" (yes, I will watch any lame ass movie that comes on my tv), and a line in it spoke to me: "they can take everything away from us, except faith." I may have "lost everything", but I'll be damned if I lose my faith: faith in that life will get better (even if the changes are too small to see), faith that I will love again, faith that someone will love me again, faith that I am not destined to die old and alone, with my 6 (hypothetical - I don't have them yet) cats.

Faith. It's all I have right now. But maybe it's all I need.

2006-12-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

December 19, 2006

No time for cutesy titles.

It's been awhile since I've written, and it's partly because I've been so swamped at work and holiday preparations, and partly because I've been mostly treading water lately, just trying to make it through the holidays/my birthday (on Jan. 4th). I'd kind of like to just wake up on Jan. 5th, and be done with it.

This past weekend, I went on a spiritual retreat. A woman who knows my mother from church functions said she had a dream wherein she was told to take me. I grudgingly accepted her invitation, and surprisingly came out of it with a great sense of peace. I won't lie and say that I'm all better now, because we all know that's not true. However, on Saturday night, as I was praying to Jesus, I had the most awesome insight. I won't call it a vision, because I didn't see anything. I felt a voice (because I didn't really hear it either) tell me that He was going to watch over Samantha, and be her Father. This assuaged two great fears/concerns I have: 1.) it always broke my heart that Samantha never met her father, and even though she most likely will have a stepfather one day, it won't be the same; and 2.) I am deathly scared of something happening to Samantha, and if something ever happens to her, I don't know if I would be able to survive that. Who better to watch over Samantha than our Holy Father? He is always with her, unlike any of us who can't be with her 24 hours a day. I know some might read this and roll their eyes, but it was an amazing experience, and it has calmed my heart somewhat.

I also noticed that the sparkle was back in my eyes. One of the things I love most about Samantha is the way her eyes shine and sparkle. And I used to have that shine and sparkle too. However, for the last 23 months, my eyes have been flat and dull, even when I'm smiling or laughing. On Sunday morning, as I brushed my teeth, I noticed the spark in my eye, the way the light danced.

I'll cling to little things like this for now, till the one day I get more.

2006-11-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

God DAMMIT

So. I got my bar results. You can guess what they are from my title. I'm just so bitterly disappointed, even though I have no one more to blame than myself. Now I have to take the stupid exam, AGAIN, in February. I can't believe this.

I just got off the phone with my friend, and she told me not to be so hard on myself, because of everything I've been through since Pablo's death. I know it may be true, but I hate it. I don't want to use that as an excuse! I hate that his death continues to have effect on me (stupid as that may sound). I hate the fact that it will continue to affect me for the rest of my life.

I just want to be able to pass the stupid exam. Actually, what I want is to be with him. If he were here, I wouldn't care that I had to take it twice a year, for the rest of my life.

2006-11-07T15:10:00.000-05:00

I hate coming up with clever titles.

It's hard to consistently come up with clever, cutesy titles.

Anyway, a few nights ago, I was reading a book in bed, and Sammy was playing around on the bed. She then does the cutest thing - she lifts my right arm, and cuddles up to me and says "wub you, mami." Yes, my heart melted there, and I felt so happy to hear her say that, and show it too. But why is it that from now on all my happy moments will be tinged with sadness? Because just a few seconds after being overwhelmed with joy, the sadness crept in. I wish he could've been there to share that moment with me, with our daughter. But more than that, I wish he could've experienced the love that I feel for Sammy and the love she feels for me. I wish he could've gotten the opportunity to know how amazing it is to kiss her little head, or feel her little arms around my neck.

And of course, the sadness never comes alone. Anger, frustration, a sense of unfairnes - they all follow shortly. But that night, I waved them all away, and told Sammy a bedtime story. I'm clinging to the happiness, dammit, and you can't take it away from!

2006-10-25T00:49:00.000-04:00

Today marks the 21 month mark since Pablo's death. I just don't even know what to think anymore. Why does this have to be so damn hard? Why did this have to fucking happen? When do I get to have a semblance of a life again?

I think sometimes that things would be so much easier if only I could know what was going to happen in the future. I could more easily bide my time if I knew exactly when things would start happening.

Sigh. I hate the uncertainty almost as much as I hate the pain.

2006-10-11T16:56:00.000-04:00

Why did this happen to me?!

I think that is one of the most selfish questions we young widows/ers can ask ourselves. Think about it for a minute - we're still alive. It's our spouses who were unlucky enough to have their lives ended by an illness, an accident, something. Or are they unlucky?

Shoot, I consider him the lucky one. I'm the one left to clean up all my emotions, deal with this for the rest of my life, and I get to be the one to tell my daughter: "Guess what, kid? You ain't got a dad!" (okay, I'm obviously not going to use those words, but you get my gist.)

Therefore, even though death didn't directly get me, it still got me. I'm the one who suffered here. (Well, I can say that, because I know he died instantly.) I don't think this question will ever be solved. Every time I see a man play with his child or hear him mention his wife, I think "that should be me!" It's easy to fall into the pit of questions, especially, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" I find myself poring over the last 27 years to think of what I possibly could've done to deserve such a punishment. And even though I know God doesn't work like that (after all, it's hardly fair to kill him off to punish me - wouldn't that punish Pablo most of all), it's not hard to think of the Mafia and how they don't go after you when they want to punish you, but after your nearest and dearest.

Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this??

2006-10-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

Where does the time go?

That's a question everyone usually asks themselves. However, it may be one that widows/ers ask themselves far too frequently.

For example, Pablo and I were together for 8 1/2 years (yes, that 1/2 is very important to me!). 8.5 years can seem like a long time, but poof! it's gone, and now it seems like an absurdly short time. It's been 20 months since he died. Some days the time seems like it's d r a g g i n g. However, most days, it feels as if the time is just hurtling by, to some unknown date in the future.

20 months. With no idea of what awaits in the future. Might as well be in jail. At least there, you're counting down to something. Some days, I feel as if I'm just biding time. Biding time till what you ask? You tell me...

2006-09-18T13:47:00.000-04:00

Back in NJ

After a very nice weekend in Pittsburgh, I'm back in New Jersey. I had such a great time. I will provide a link to some of the pics I took as soon as I upload them to photobucket.

The only downside to my weekend was the intense desire to have Pablo share it with me. In 2004, we had made plans to take a mini-tour of several stadiums: Cleveland, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore. We only made it to Baltimore that year. I have wonderful memories of that weekend spent in Maryland, but I wish he was here, to join me as I explore more ballparks.

When do you stop feeling that pull in your stomach at the fact that he will never again join you in the awe of seeing a new ballpark for the first time? When do you stop feeling the sadness in your heart at seeing all the other couples and families out at the ballpark, knowing that that should have been you? When do you stop feeling the bitterness rise in your throat at the sight of all the dads with their kids, either cuddling the babies or explaining the game to the older kids?

I don't know. And that scares me. A lot more than I'm willing to admit.

2006-09-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

Off on a Road Trip

Greetings from Pittsburgh!

My sister, J., and I are in Pittsburgh, to enjoy a little culture, a little sight-seeing. Okay, just kidding. Everyone knows there's nothing to see, no culture, in Pittsburgh. Ok, I'm kidding again!

Anyways, after an ordeal with Southwest that involved me, a Roberto Clemente biography, a bag of Lifesavers, and four hours of just sitting on a tarmac, we finally made it to Pitt. We still haven't gone into Pittsburgh proper, but from what we've seen so far is really nice. Nicer than I expected. Lots of hills, lots of green. I like that.

There was a bit of turbulence on the flight from Philly, and I know I visibly blanched during the hardest bits. The man sitting next to me was probably seconds away from asking me if I needed a barf bag. I wasn't close to that at all. I just had tons of thoughts churning through my head - what if something happened to me? Who would take care of Sammy? I also thought of Pablo, waiting for me in Heaven. I thought of those poor people a few weeks ago who were killed in that plane crash in Kentucky. But most of all I thought - I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

Like Gary Allen said in his great song "I Just Got Back From Hell":
Gonna learn to live again
But I think I’ll sit a spell
Tell the world that I’m alive
And I just got back from hell

2006-09-12T12:59:00.000-04:00

Remembering September 11

I remember bits of Sept. 10th clearly. I was in law school then, a first year intent on doing well, but also enjoying myself. I remember I was sitting in the cafeteria, and I had a blue sweater on. Weird, the details that stick. I remember spilling a cup of coffee on myself, due to my clumsiness. I remember I went back to my dorm room to change, but I don't remember much else.

Sept. 11th dawned like any other day (like days that change our life ususally do). I don't remember what clothes I wore, but as usual, I was running late to class and probably just slapped on the first thing I saw. I had class at 8:30 am, and barely made it. We plunged into the topic of Property and how property law interacts with online sites such as Napster, Kazaa and the like.

It wasn't till almost 9:45 that we even found out what had happened. Our Property professor was also the dean of the school, and while we blithely talked about things of no consequence (really, compared to what was going on 20 miles away). The dean of academic affairs blustered into the room, and he looked visibly upset. I remember he whispered something in the Dean's ear, and the Dean blanched. I thought "wow, something must have happened to Dean Deutch's family. Someone must've gotten into a car accident or something." Dean D. then turned to us (and I remember thinking "Oh my God, he's going to tell us what happened?!") The words he said next will forever be etched into my brain: "The country's under attack. Planes flew into the World Trade Center. There's been a bomb at the State Dept. in DC, and another plane flew into the Pentagon. There are planes headed for the White House." (Remember, rumors were flying rampant, and no one knew yet what exactly was going to happen. I don't remember packing my stuff, but I do remember standing in front of a small radio in the cafeteria, listening to the news. My roommate and I were clutching each other when we heard the anguished cries over the air: "The tower is collapsing!" The second tower came down shortly thereafter, and the two anchors of the Downtown Manhattan skyline were gone.

But even beyond that, far greater on my mind, was all the people who had gone to work a little earlier and had sadly met their deaths. All the people who heroically rushed in, as everyone else was fleeing. Five years later, I still think of those people often. Even though I knew no one who perished in the towers, or in Pennsylvania, or at the Pentagon, I still feel for those who were killed by the terrorists, for nothing more than boarding a plane, or going to work, or risking their own lives for others.

9/11: We will never forget.

2006-09-08T23:36:00.000-04:00

Potty Training

One of the most peaceful places in the world has to be the bathroom. It's probably the only place where you are completely left alone. I mean, you're not exactly going to take your cell phone in there while you take a shower. And answering any pesky calls would totally defeat the purpose of a long, leisurely bubble bath. And I don't think anyone wants to talk to someone on the toilet.

Therefore, the bathroom has become the only place where I am completely alone with my thoughts. (I also do a lot of thinking in the car, but there I'm sometimes distracted by the radio or the radio or Baby Girl.) The bathroom is the place where some of the most obscure memories of Pablo come back to me. It's where I get the saddest. I guess during the rest of the day, I'm usually able to easily distract myself with something else. That's usually not the case in the bathroom. There's but so much within those four walls. I know I could take a book in there with me, but I guess I cherish those few precious minutes where I can really work through a little bit of my grief.

2006-09-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

The First No-Hitter in Two Years:

Yeah, I know, this isn't a sports blog. So I won't be talking about the no-hitter in and of itself. Just the effects it had on me.

Last night, Anibal Sanchez of the Florida Marlins pitched the first no-hitter in more than two years. What does this have to do with Wanda, you ask? Simple. Baseball was an essential part of the life I shared with Pablo. We bonded over the games we watched, and we taught each other different aspects of the game he introduced to me. A game I eventually came to love.

The last no-hitter thrown in baseball was back in May 2004. When Pablo was still with us... I can't help but think back to happier days. Back then, I was days away from graduating from law school, two months away from getting pregnant, three months from our first wedding anniversary...

The reason it's hard for me is it just reinforces the fact that I am on my own from here on out. Obviously, where I miss him most is in my bed. Okay, kidding. It's in all the little things Sammy does, that I wish I could share with him. But on a lesser scale, I also wish I could share this amazing Mets season. They're on the verge of the playoffs for the first time since 2000, and they're favorites to go to the World Series in the NL, but it will mean just a little bit less not to have my favorite baseball fan to share it with.

2006-09-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

Rain, Rain, Go Away:

There are few things more depressing than rainy days. One of those things is a rainy week. I swear, the last time I saw the sun must've been sometime in June. Of 2002. Seriously, this rain wreaks havoc on my normally sunny disposition. Okay, I lie. I have no sunny disposition. But I'm usually cheerful enough. However, I am hating all this fucking rain. Not only is it chillier when it rains, but also looks like it's getting darker sooner, because of the cloudy weather.

Besides that, everyone just seems pissed when it's rainy. They're just rushing to get to their destination 'cause really - who wants to be out in the rain?

Anyway, yes I realize I just spent an entire post writing about something as mundane as the rain, but that's really all that's been going on lately.

2006-09-04T11:17:00.000-04:00

All's Well That Ends Well(?):

At least that's over. The wedding, I mean. I was fine during the ceremony, mainly thanks to The Girl, my daughter. (She's 17 months old.) The church was mostly empty due to the remnants of Hurricane Ernesto, and she used the opportunity to scream and run around like a little maniac.

The reception itself was a little harder to deal with. First, I hated how I looked. The dress I bought fit me horribly, but serves me right for not even trying it on. I hope to never wear that black sack ever again. (I have a wedding to go to in April, and I hope to be a lot more svelte by then.) Everyone looked so great, and I just felt like a lump. Secondly, of course everyone was there with their SOs. If Pablo were still alive, we would've been together the longest, since we got together back in August of 1996. There was one part where I was talking with my brother-in-law, and The Girl was dancing around, and I just had a keen sense of longing for Pablo to be there with us - I couldn't control the tears. I hate crying in public, because it makes other people uncomfortable (although really, I should just say "fuck 'em all!" and cry my heart out, but it's also a matter of pride). I tried to mask my tears, but several of my uncles and aunts noticed and came over to hug me, or squeeze my hand. Which I greatly appreciated, even if I did want to hide the fact that I was crying.

I miss you, baby.

2006-09-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

Weddings and Funerals:

Tomorrow, I'll be going to my first wedding since Pablo's death, and I have been dreading this for months.

It's my cousin's wedding, and I had been secretly hoping for a minor injury (to my hand or foot) so I wouldn't have to go. Don't worry, I wasn't throwing myself down stairs or anything, but I wouldn't have been heartbroken if I oculdn't have been able to go.

Why am I so scared to go? I really don't feel like re-living all the memories of my own wedding day in that same church a little over three years ago. The same church where Pablo's funeral was held 19 months ago. Sure, I go to mass there every Sunday. But there're no wedding ceremonies during Sunday mass. I'm sure it'll be a bittersweet experience. I'm very happy for my cousin, because even though she and her husband have been married since 1999, they will have their marriage blessed by the Church. But it's still hard to re-live the same ceremony that I had, but all alone.

And then, of course, comes the reception. Oh, joy. I have to get all dressed up for absolutely nobody. Don't get me wrong, I take pride in my appearance, but I did enjoy his compliments when I took care to look my best. Also, I really don't feel my prettiest right now. I know I have to lose weight. And I'm not looking forward to the comments tomorrow about my weight gain.

Sigh. I just hope to survive tomorrow, without too many tears.

2006-08-31T17:10:00.000-04:00

My First Post:

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, and I have no idea what made me finally get off my ass and create the blog. But this is as good a time as any to start documenting my journey through this incredibly hard, amazingly difficult time in my life. First, about the name of the blog: Let me make it clear that although I am a widow, I am not merry about it at all. However, I am trying to take a happier outlook on life, as I want to "get better, not get bitter". The song that best describes me right now is Gary Allen's "I Just Got Back From Hell," especially the line where he sings: "I can't say that I'm doing great, but I think I'm doing well; That Devil's gonna have to wait, cause I just got back from hell."

My name is Wanda, and I lost my husband, Pablo, 19 months ago. He passed away on Jan. 25, 2005, and much like AA members, people who have lost their loved ones count in months how long it's been. I guess we do use a AA-like approach to dealing with our grief and the aftermath of our loved ones' deaths. "One day at a time." "Believe that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to our sanity.", etc. Actually, this'll make a perfect way to start the blog. For the next twelve days, I'll tackle each of the twelve steps and how they relate to our grief journey.

Anyway, back to a little bit more about me. I'm 27, and I'm a "lawyer". I put it in quotes, because I still haven't passed the Bar Exam. Yet. I also have a daughter, an adorable little girl of 17 months. I know it sounds cliche, but she's my shining light in the darkness. I just wish he had gotten to see her before he died. Or at the very least I would've liked for him to know we were having a girl. We had decided to keep the baby's secret, and I regret it greatly now. However, I feel he knows his daughter, and looks after her.

On with the blog: One Day at a Time. Hell, sometimes it's even one hour, one minute at a time. It's the only way to get through the darkest days. In the space of 24 hours, my future went from secure and happy to hearbreaking and uncertain. My heart will mend (somewhat) but I now have to forge my own path. I receive tons of help from all my family, and from his family, but it's still my life, and eventually, I would like to find a great man to share the rest of my life with. How do I even go about doing that?! I had been with my husband since I was 17, and now I have to date? Sigh. However, when those thoughts (and other similar thoughts) overtake me, I sit back, take a deep breath, and count my blessings. I have a great, healthy child, a wonderful family, a job (which might not be so fulfilling right now, but it keeps me in Coach purses, Nintendo DS videogames, and Mets tickes), and all our wonderful memories.